


Distractions

by uwu_derp



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Porn, Bittersweet Ending, Consensual Sex, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Manga & Anime, Porn with Feelings, Smut, Underage Sex, Unresolved Romantic Tension, WARNING: spoilers for ch 100+, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:09:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25085953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uwu_derp/pseuds/uwu_derp
Summary: It happens first when they're in the cadet corps.It happens last the night before he leaves.Neither know if it meant anything or not.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Comments: 24
Kudos: 242





	1. They Don't Know Why...

**Author's Note:**

> “ I know I cannot heal the hurt, But I will hold you here forever, If I can. ” -Aurora, Exist for Love 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is like... the first time I’ve ever written anything like this... EVER. And on ao3 no less, a website I’m just barely getting familiar with hehheh.
> 
> But thANK YOU SO MUCH to my adORABLE beta @[mea_S](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mea_S/pseuds/mea_S)  
> for checking over my shit :D She wrote an eremika twoshot which is (in my opinion) sO MUCH BETTER THAN ALL MY STORIES ARE COMBINED, and she has an aruani story and honestly just go check out her work dude she’s a goddess.

~~_It happens first when they’re still in the cadet corps._ ~~

**~**

Nightmares weren’t seldom to plague Mikasa’s mind during the night as a child. However, as she grows both physically and mentally, her nightmares come less and less as her slumberous nights remain dreamless, and she’s fine.

But one night is different.

One night, Mikasa awakes in a cold sweat, fingers gripping the duvet so tightly that her knuckles have turned white. Her body trembles from the aftershocks of her nightmare, tears rushing endlessly down her cheeks as she heaves in thick breaths.

 _It’s just a nightmare,_ she tells herself, trying to console herself. _It wasn’t real._

But she still continues to tremble.

So she looks for Eren. 

Her search is quick—he’s out on the field just walking around. Mikasa goes to him, still shaking and still crying, and upon him asking what’s wrong, she tells him everything. He wraps his arms around her, holds her close to his chest like he used to when they were children and she’d have nightmares, stroking her hair as he murmured tiny words of reassurance into her ear. But his attempts at trying to soothe her are proven futile when she doesn’t stop crying and shaking. 

And this is how they both end up in the showers at 4am. This is how Eren ends up hovering right outside the door to the showers, listening to Mikasa bathe, as he speaks with her over the sound of the water. When Mikasa leaves, hair damp and skin sheening with water, Eren’s restraint crumples to the ground and he kisses her, long and soft, until they’re both breathless when he pulls away.

And this is how they both end up in the girls’ dormitory as Eren kisses away her fear with the promise of a distraction, guiding gentle fingers over her lithe body and placing featherlight touches over her skin. She shivers against him, whining his name when a curled finger slips inside her wet entrance underneath her trousers as they fall into her bed, but he places his mouth over hers, swallowing any noises that travel up her throat into his mouth.

Mikasa comes with a mewled keen underneath her breath, asking Eren to stay with her before she falls asleep, and he does. They curl into each other as he combs fingers through her hair, lulling her away into a more peaceful dreamland, and when a wave of exhaustion comes over her and sweeps her away, she murmurs one last thing to him as her eyelids flutter shut.

“ _Goodnight, Eren._ ”

When Mikasa awakes the next morning only to find that the spot beside her in bed is empty, she’s left to wonder if what transpired last night really ensued or if it were just something her sleep-deprived mind had conjured up to send her back to sleep.

* * *

~~_It happens again two weeks later._ ~~

**~**

Mikasa’s nightmare tonight is much less scarring, but still something that has her waking up with a shudder. It was of Eren being swept away by the excitement of everything around them. The titans, the training—he was leaving her behind because of it all. 

A need to confirm that Eren is still here has her getting out of bed and going to the boys’ dorm. She finds him sleeping underneath Armin’s bunk and wakes him by shaking his shoulders—he instantly knows why she’s here when he sees the exhaustion making her eyes go half-lidded.

“ _Another nightmare,_ ” he states, and it’s not a question.

She nods, lowering her head almost as though she’s ashamed. “ _Sorry,_ ” she mutters.

He shakes his head. “ _It’s fine. C’mere._ ” He pulls her into bed with him and they instantly fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. Tonight is different from last time—tonight, they lay together in utter silence, listening to nothing but the sound of each other’s steady breaths and the light snores of the boys sleeping around them.

Eren’s fingers instantly dive in her locks, combing through her tangles, and Mikasa tilts her head up when five minutes pass and gives him a certain look—perfect, pink lip pressed together and onyx eyes wide in desire. She places a hand on his chest, fingering his building muscle from training through his shirt until he shudders at her exploring touch. Her hand lowers to his waist as she scooches closer to him, throwing a leg over his as her hand dips lower… and lower…

… _too fucking low_.

“ _M-Mikasa,_ ” Eren gasps quietly when her hand slips underneath his pants, cupping his hardening length through his trousers.

“ _Shh,_ ” is all she says as she kisses the side of his tan neck before trailing more open-mouthed kisses down towards the dip of his clavicle. “ _It’s okay. It’s just a distraction._ ”

He seems to give up any attempts of protest, letting a delicate hand grab onto his shaft and slowly pump him underneath his pants. A few sloppy pumps later and Eren jerks his hips up into Mikasa’s fist as she kisses him, swallowing his groan into her mouth as he thrusts into her hand once, twice, before spilling into her fist.

Mikasa extracts her sticky hand and Eren murmurs apology, but just she shakes her head and whispers, “ _it’s okay,_ ” as she wipes her hand on the sheets and rests back in the bed. Eren places an arm around her, pulling her into his chest, and they both eventually fall asleep.

When Eren awakens, Mikasa is already gone. Back to the girls’ dormitory, he assumes, so that she isn’t found resting with him. He messily makes his bed, sloppy to straighten his pillows and throw the blanket over the mattress, but when he spots a rumbled, sticky part on his duvet, he blushes as he makes a mental note to wash his sheets before returning to bed tonight as he finishes making his bed and follows the rest of the boys outside.

* * *

~~_It happens again two days later, but not because of a nightmare._ ~~

**~**

It’s the late evening when Mikasa is doing her workouts and Eren finds her.

She’s in the basement, pulling herself up to complete her set of push-ups when she notices Eren’s figure in the doorway.

“ _Ah, Eren. Is it time for dinner?_ ” She asks, rising to her feet and striding over to her bottle of water across the room. She asks this only because Eren and Armin always come to retrieve her for dinner whenever she’s working out in the basement and can’t hear the sound of the bell alerting everyone else that it’s time for their meals.

But as she’s gulping water down her throat, Eren remains silent. So she sets her bottle down, wiping the remaining liquid away from where it had spilled down her lips as she turns to him, only to find him right behind her. She immediately jolts in surprise.

“ _Ah!—_ “ She yelps, startled, but her cry is quickly cut off by probing lips.

Eren snakes an arm around her exposed waist since she always chooses to workout in nothing but a sports bra and shorts, guiding her back until he has her pinned against the wall. They separate from their kiss when they need air, but Eren’s lips are immediately on her neck, kissing the sweat that trickles down her fair skin.

“ _A-Ah—_ “ Mikasa gasps, her hands grabbing at his back and gripping handfuls of his shirt. Heat surges through her body, thighs pressing together as she revels in the way her stomach twists at the sensation, but she swallows thickly when a feeling of unease stirs in her stomach. “ _E-Eren. R-Right here?_ ” She asks. “ _Do you want to do it here?_ ” She asks this only because she knows that they can get caught.

But then Eren detaches his lips from her neck, rising up so that they’re eye-to-eye, and Mikasa blushes as the intensity in his gaze. She knows, just by the fact that his emerald irises flicker a shade darker as a feeling akin to possessiveness flashes across his features, that there’s nothing on his mind right now but _her_.

“ _Mika,_ ” he begins, voice dipping low and captivating Mikasa with the way it rumbles through his chest, “ _do_ **_you_ ** _want me?_ ”

Mikasa feels a flush of embarrassment come over her as she nods. “ _O-Of course,_ ” she murmurs. The way he asks his question—in how his voice dips low, husky, as the words roll out of him almost like a growl—makes Mikasa’s insides _squirm_.

Upon hearing her reaction, Eren nods, “ _good,_ ” and then dives forward to capture her lips with his again. She moans involuntarily into his mouth, but Eren doesn’t mind—he simply presses further into her, making her full aware of his growing erection, and she sighs pleasantly against him.

“ _Fuck,_ ” he gasps as he pulls away from her, rocking his hips forward into hers again.

Mikasa moans, burrowing her face into his neck as he grinds forward again. She meets his rutting with her own, and they both shudder at the contact.

Slowly, Eren takes a wobbly step back, Mikasa following, until they trip over Mikasa’s spare equipment and tumble onto the floor.

Tan fingers work frantically to peel Mikasa’s bra off as a hand rucks Eren’s tunic up, feminine hands slipping underneath to grope his abdomen muscles.

They move feverishly against each other until they’re nearly naked, and their act together ends with Mikasa crying out as a shudder ripples through her spine, coming hard against the hard rod inside of her as Eren follows her quickly, pulling out just as he comes and spilling onto her torso.

Afterwards, Armin finds them just as they’re slipping their clothes on, calling them for dinner, and their blond friend (thankfully) doesn’t ask why they’re both so red and just barely pulling on their apparel when he finds them.

* * *

_  
~~It happens again later that night.~~ _

**~**

“ _Are you going to tell me what that was?_ ”

“ _What are you talking about?_ ”

“ _Eren, something happened to you. What was it?_ ”

Eren sighs and turns his head away. Tonight, they’re in the field, underneath a tree on a field of grass. They know that tomorrow is a day free of training, and they plan to spend tonight together. There aren’t moments they get to spend together like this a lot, so whenever they come, it’s a silent agreement that they must cherish them.

Armin was going to join them, but he had to help Marco out to fix his gear, so instead it’s the two of them.

“ _It was Jean,_ ” Eren finally admits with a grunt.

“ _Jean?_ ” Mikasa echoes incredulously. “ _You let him get to you too much._ ”

“ _It wasn’t_ me _he was talking about. It was_ you,” he grumbles. “ _Just… the way he talked about you. It made me mad and—I don’t know, I got protective._ ”

Mikasa blinks, taken aback. “ _Oh,_ ” she exhales. She never exactly took Eren as the jealous type. “ _You know I’m_ yours _, right?_ ” She adds.

Eren inhales slowly, shrugging as he pulls her closer. “ _I… yeah. I do._ ”

He… doesn’t like he does. Mikasa shifts so that she can lift her head up from where she leans against him, peering up at him curiously. There’s nothing but the moonlight illuminating his features, making his characteristics look sharper than usual, and Mikasa blushes at this.

But he looks… uncertain. His brows are furrowed, lips slightly dragged down into a frown, and Mikasa’s mouth pops open to gape at him.

 _Eren, I_ **_am_ ** _yours_ , she wants to say, but she catches herself before she speaks because… is she?

Really— _is_ she his?

They’ve never identified their relationship before, and it’s not like Eren has ever _stated_ what they were and where they stood together.

And she remembers then, with a strange twist of her stomach, what happened just this afternoon.

They were sitting together with the rest of the 104th cadet corps when she had leaned forward, resting her head on Eren’s shoulder, and at first, he stiffened. Mikasa watched him, watching his expression shift from relaxed to _extremely_ uncomfortable, before he eventually shrugged her off his shoulders with a groan.

“ _Mikasa, come on,_ ” he had grumbled as he scooted away from her, putting distance between them, “ _people will see._ ”

But it was too late—people _had_ seen. Jean gave Eren a look of utter envy as Armin passed Mikasa an almost sympathetic look, but she couldn’t feel anything but confused and flustered. She left to let off some steam and went to workout in the basement, only to be later found by him in the evening.

And as she thinks this, she frowns as she burrows further into his chest.

Where _do_ they stand together?

With this question niggling her mind, Mikasa frowns deeper and turns over. She rolls onto Eren’s chest, pulling herself up to straddling him as she squeezes her thighs against his waist.

“ _M-Mikasa!_ ” Eren cries, bright red all the way up to his ears and embarrassed.

“ _Shh,_ ” she whispers, leaning down to kiss the spot underneath his ear which makes him stiffen. “ _Let me do this._ ” _As a distraction from my own thoughts,_ she thinks.

She kisses his earlobe, then the spot underneath his eye, followed by her lips to his forehead, before finally, she ends it with a soft kiss on his lips.

She feels him harden against her, his growing erection poking her thigh, and she sighs as she pulls herself off of him to look down at his flustered expression.

“ _Mika,_ ” he begins slowly, lifting his head as emerald orbs tucked underneath brown bangs frantically dart around their surroundings. “ _What if someone sees?_ ”

“ _Mmn,_ ” she hums slowly, trying to act like she’s considering his statement when really, all she’s focusing on is the hard bugle protruding through his pants. “ _No one’s come by yet,_ ” she offers.

“ _There could be some guy watching us,_ ” Eren murmurs. “ _Jean could be staring at you. Like he always does._ ”

Mikasa—doing something Eren hasn’t seen her do in years— _titters_ slightly against his skin. “ _Let's give him a show then,_ ” she whispers, voice quiet and laden with desire.

Eren groans when she whispers this, immediately lifting his hips up for contact against his length, and Mikasa moans at the feeling. She reaches down, undoing both of their pants and pulling Eren’s down just below his hips and slipping hers down further.

He slips inside her with ease and Mikasa rides him into the night as they both moan their pleasure into the darkness, bringing each other to their second orgasm that day with a final grind of their hips together. Mikasa collapses onto his chest when they finish as his shaft leaves her, making her shiver at the loss of contact.

“ _Hey, Eren?_ ” She begins when their breaths start to steady.

“ _Yeah?_ ” He asks.

“ _What…_ ” _—am I to you?_ She wants to ask, but the words don’t leave her.

“ _Mika? What’s wrong?_ ” His voice drifts towards her when Mikasa doesn’t finish.

She shakes her head against his chest, discarding her question. “ _Nothing, nevermind,_ ” she murmurs against his chest. Then, a gentle; “ _goodnight, Eren._ ”

“ _Hmm,_ ” he nuzzles closer to her and nods, “ _goodnight, Mikasa._ ”

When they wake up in the morning as the sun starts to rise over the hills in the distance, they quickly make their way back to the cabins and act as though nothing ever happened.

* * *

~~_  
It happens again and again after that._ ~~

**~**

It first started as a distraction from Mikasa’s nightmares, but it soon sprouts into something more carefree. 

A feeling of jealousy stirs within Mikasa a month later when she sees Annie spar with Eren during training—when the blonde had straddling his hips as she pressed the wooden knife to his neck, and when she was just _too fucking close to him_ —and later that evening, Mikasa finds Eren after he takes a shower, corners him, and fucks him again.

Sometimes it’s a distraction. Sometimes they use it as a way to forget their overwhelming feelings. But other times— _most_ times—they do it just because they want to. 

They do it again the night of graduation; when they’re sitting on the stairs together with Armin, deciding that they’ll all go to the survey corps together, they seem to realize how short their lives will be on this earth.

With the titans around, shortening the human population day by day, it’s only a matter of time before they get wiped out of existence, right?

So later that night, with all the excitement and commotion, they meet up behind the showers and kiss until they’re both breathless.

“ _Mika—nnghn—Mikasa,_ ” Eren groans against her skin when he thrust into her, again and again, with her pinned up against the wall. Her legs tighten around his waist, arms wrapping around his shoulders as he continues to pound in and out of her, driving her closer and closer to sweet release.

“ _E-Eren—Ah!—Hah!—F-Fuck!”_ She gasps against his skin, face hot red as tears form in her eyes. A tight heat pools in her stomach and they come together just as they have before, collapsing onto the ground right afterwards. 

When Eren is yanking his pants up as Mikasa is pulling her trousers back on, she parts her lips and, with a heavy heart, asks the question that seems to have been plaguing her mind since this entire endeavor began.

Because if she doesn’t know now, then when _will_ she know?

“ _Eren,_ ” she begins, her voice unusually soft, and just by the gentle tone her voice has taken on, Eren _knows_ that something isn’t right, “ _what… am I to you?_ ”

Eren is silent after she asks this. His movements on putting his clothes back on have halted too, and Mikasa peers at him over her shoulders with an apprehensive expression, bottom lip caught between her teeth as she watches his expression slowly turn thoughtful as he carefully thinks over his answer.

And then, finally, after what feels like ages, Eren’s simple response comes: “ _you’re… my Mikasa._ ”

And then he finishes putting on his belt, walking over to her with a fond smile as he ruffles her hair before he rounds the corner and walks away.

Mikasa bites her bottom lip harder, sniffing as she finishes pulling on her pants.

Not _just_ Mikasa.

 _His_ Mikasa.

She goes to bed that day feeling the happiest she’s been that week.

* * *

_  
~~It doesn’t happen again after their graduation night.~~ _

**~**

Chaos ensues. Panic floods the land. One of their two remaining wall structures, Wall Rose, becomes breached and through all of the excitement, Eren gets swept away from Mikasa through it all. From when she’s assigned to help the elite squad, to when she rejoins Armin only to find that the rest of Armin’s squad has been eaten, they’re separated.

But then she finds him—he emerges from a titan’s carcass, and Mikasa grabs his body, despite the heat rolling off his skin, and holds him tight, pulling him close against her as she presses her ear to his chest and listens… 

_Badump, badump._

She sobs.

He helps reclaim wall Rose.

He gets swept away into the scouts' custody.

She doesn’t see him for a month.

*****

But then she does. When she joins the scouts and they see each other again, they do it once more.

It happens in the stables. When Oluo falls asleep at the entrance, Mikasa slips inside, asking Armin to cover for her if anyone asks for her whereabouts (he thankfully doesn’t ask why—though by the knowing look in his eyes, she’s sure he already suspects something between the two of them), and she finds Eren feeding one of the horses. 

“ _Mikasa?_ ” He whispers when he sees her, looking around frantically. “ _Wha- What are you doing here? You’ll get in trouble if they find you._ ”

“ _I needed to see you, Eren,_ ” she asserts firmly.

That seems to be reason enough—Eren doesn’t question her anymore as she slips inside the stables he’s in and wraps her arms around him. 

“ _It’s been so long since I've seen you,_ ” she murmurs, “ _s-so…_ **_so_ ** _long._ ”

“ _I know,_ ” he agrees with a nod, dropping the bucket in his hands to hold her against him.

“ _Have they been treating you right?_ ” She asks.

He snorts against her hair. “ _Always so worried about my well-being, aren’t you, Mika._ ”

“ _I care about you, Eren._ ”

“ _That, I don’t disagree with._ ” He smiles.

Mikasa pulls away from him, looking up at him with glassy eyes.

“ _I’ve missed you,_ ” she whispers.

Eren blinks, blushing slightly. “ _I’ve missed you, too._ ”

“ _Did you miss…_ ” she slowly slips a hand down, fumbling with the straps to his gear to loosen them around his waist so that she can slip her hand underneath his pants, “this _too?_ ”

“ _Mmn,_ ” he groans, instantly grinding forward on her fingers when she cups his balls just the way he likes it. “ _Y-Yeah. I did._ ”

“ _I can’t imagine they did this for you in the Levi squad,_ ” Mikasa murmurs.

Eren blinks, his movements momentarily halting as he looks at her as his jaw goes slack. And then, he snorts, asking, “ _Mikasa, did you just make a_ joke _?_ ”

Mikasa blushes deeper. “ _No,_ ” she grumbles. (She did.) But then, she asks, much quieter, “ _was it funny?_ ”

Eren nods, chuckling as he leans forward to kiss her cheek. “ _Very._ ”

“ _Oi, Eren!_ ” Oluo’s voice drifts inside from the front. Mikasa quickly ducks underneath the stall, hiding her figure as the older man’s figure steps inside. “ _You’re taking forever. Are you almost done yet?_ ”

Eren nods, willing the blood in his body to avoid his face (and cock), though it’s no use, because now Mikasa pulls his pants down and sucks his length through his underwear.

“ _A-Almost!_ ” He squeaks when Mikasa frees him fully, taking in his entire length into the warm embrace of her mouth. He suppresses the urge to thrust forward.

“ _Hmm, well hurry up,_ ” Oluo calls to him. “ _Hanji wants to speak with you._ ”

Eren nods. “ _Y-Yes—nhgn—yes, sir!_ ” He hopes he sounds normal. (He doesn’t.)

Oluo gives the boy a skeptical look, eyes narrowing and lip curling before he brushes away his suspicion with a shrug, staking back towards the entrance. When his figure disappears behind the opened doorway, Eren groans, long and low, as he instantly jerks his hips up into Mikasa’s mouth.

“ _Ack!—_ “ Mikasa gags around his length. Eren murmurs his apology as she pops off his neck with a noise that makes them both blush as she peers up at him.

“ _Y-You shouldn’t have done that!_ ” He lightly scolds her, voice no louder than a whisper-yell. “ _What if we got caught? They can’t know about us._ ”

 _Us,_ the word seemed to echo in Mikasa’s mind. So they _are_ something—right?

“ _It’s fine,_ ” Mikasa murmurs him through her nonchalance, waving a languid hand to dismiss him as she continues.

Eren parts his lips to tell her that ‘ _no, it’s not okay! If Oluo found us, what if he told the commander?_ ’ but when Mikasa’s tongue laps a stripe up the side of his member, he shudders as all of his worry washes away and is soon replaced by building arousal.

It’s not long before he comes undone in her mouth.

Eren leaves the stables first, walking away with Oluo, and Mikasa checks her surroundings before quickly ducking outside, rejoining the group she was previously with without being spotted.

*****

What they’re doing is a dangerous thing—this, they both seemed to realize today when they nearly got caught.

But they don’t even know _what_ it is exactly that they’re doing—letting off steam? fucking? making love? (it doesn’t seem like love in the slightest)—and if they don’t even know _what_ they’re doing, is it worth the risk?

Wouldn't it be better to just stop before something worse happens? Before feelings get involved, possibly? (Well, one could argue that it’s a little too late for that.)

Mikasa wonders this when it happens again that same night when she sneaks into the basement of where the Levi squad is staying to sleep with Eren again.

And Eren wonders this after their mission in which they encounter the female titan when he finds Mikasa and fucks her nearly senseless again to relieve his tension.

And finally, after their battle with the female titan, when Annie is crystallized and Armin and Jean get called for questioning, Mikasa mounts Eren’s lap where he sleeps on his bed and they both wonder…

_what the fuck have we gotten ourselves into?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	2. ...But They Can't Seem to Stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the beginning of this chapter is set in s2, and the end is during the beginning of s3 when they're in the Levi squad.

~~_It keeps happening, no matter how hard they try to stop._ ~~

**~**

Mikasa dreams of peace.

She dreams of waking up in Eren’s arms as the golden light from the sun filters in through the windows of a tiny cottage they would live in together—beyond the walls when the titans are no more. She dreams of exploring with him and Armin on horseback without the threat of giant humanoid monsters with a taste for their flesh out to get them looming over their heads. She dreams of them having a picnic by a reservoir, sitting underneath the shade of a large tree as they eat and laugh together. She dreams of a time that she wishes were now—a time she isn’t sure she’ll even make to.

She dreams of peace.

But then she wakes up. She finds herself sitting uncomfortably, back hunched over and neck cramped, and soon remembers where she is. The memories of the previous day come rushing back to her—the battle with the female titan, Annie crystallized and being held underground—and suddenly all of her focus has come back to her.

She lights on the fact that her red scarf is nowhere to be seen—not around her neck, nor is it on her lap where she had folded it before she had drifted off to sleep—so she straightens her posture and twists around to find that Eren is awake. He’s standing up behind her, picking up her scarf from where it must have fallen onto the floor, and the sight of the bandages wrapped around his head makes her want to cringe.

“ _That’s…_ ” she begins, eyeing her scarf. Eren stares at the red fabric for a bit longer before turning to her. His expression seems weirdly cold—distant. It’s not something she wants to get used to.

“ _It fell,_ ” is all Eren says, extending his arm to hand it to her. And then; “ _you’ve got to be tired. Get some sleep._ ” Mikasa wonders if he’s referring to her exhaustion as a result of the fight yesterday with the female titan, or because of the sex that had ensued just last night. 

She doesn’t ask.

Instead, she goes, “ _sorry. I’m fine,_ ” as she folds the scarf back into her hands. She eyes the fabric, looking worse for wear mainly because it’s six years old. She ought to stitch it up a bit whenever she has time. 

“ _That thing’s seen better days,_ ” Eren says, as though reading her thoughts. “ _I’ll get you a new one if I see any in our supplies._ ”

Mikasa tightens her lips at the prospect but doesn’t protest. She doesn’t think Eren will ever understand how much this scarf means to her, but that’s fine. It’s her solace when he’s not around. He doesn’t need to know that.

It’s quiet for a bit between them, and Mikasa squints down at her hands, smoothing out the wrinkles to her scarf. She can feel Eren’s gaze on her back, but she doesn’t meet it. She thinks maybe looking at him now will only make her flush red as she recalls what they had done the previous night.

And she… doesn’t exactly know what it means, still.

A year or so into this, and she still remains clueless. The question starts to form itself on her tongue before she can register it— _what are we?_ —but she keeps her lips sealed. No mistakes today, no mistakes today. Don’t ask, don’t ask. What they have between them is different, yes, but _they’re_ different, too. If what’s transpiring between the two of them behind closed doors doesn’t require a label, then Mikasa won’t label it. It’s not like Eren has ever asked.

 _I still want to know though,_ she finds herself thinking. But she stays silent and reminds herself off their graduation night—the words he had told her. _His_ Mikasa. _I’m_ **_his_ ** _Mikasa,_ she thinks, over and over again, turning the phrase over in her mind and memorizing the shape of it more than she already has.

Because what more explanation is needed?

 _None,_ she decides.

And just as she decides this—

“Eren! Mikasa!”

She turns around just as the door slams open, banging against the wall so harshly in which Mikas is sure that some wood has chipped. In the opened doorway, their blond friend stands, distraught and breathless, his face pale but cheeks reddened from running. His cerulean eyes are wide as he announces, “This is bad! The titans are in Wall Rose!”

Mikasa is quick to stand on her feet, ignoring the ache between her legs, though she can’t help the fact that her thigh slightly quivers. Eren gives her a worried look, but she quickly dismisses it and rushes towards Armin. Eren is a bit slow to follow, and when Mikasa turns she sees him staring at his own feet dejectedly. _He’s regretting something,_ she thinks.

It doesn’t take long for her to realize that what he’s regretting is last night.

But then he quickly looks up, determination flashing through his emerald orbs, and this is how Mikasa knows that the old Eren— _her_ Eren—is back.

*****

Time continues to shift forward. Despair and tragedy continue to overcome them. First, there is the battle at Utgard castle, and they soon make it back to wall Rose. They think the fight has passed for now—they can rest and restore their energy. But before they can even think twice—

Betrayal happens.

Reiner and Eren fight in their titan forms whilst all Mikasa can do is stand to the side, watching uselessly as the fight ensues. But it’s when Eren has Reiner in a chokehold and they think— _this is it. We can win this_ —when Bertholdt turns the tables, using his colossal titan to collapse onto Eren and Reiner. The two traitors escape, taking Eren and Ymir away with them. Mikasa is caught up in the explosion Bertholdt caused and before she can even register it—

she falls unconscious. 

  
  


Mikasa awakes and her unfocused gaze first settles on the sky above. _What… happened?_ Slowly, everything comes back to her—the fight, Bertholdt and Reiner’s betrayal, Eren’s kidnapping. She sucks in a sharp breath and is immediately jolting upright, scuttling toward the edge of the wall to look fifty meters down towards the ground. _Nothing._

Faintly, Armin’s voice rings from behind her.

“ _Mikasa! You shouldn’t be moving yet! We don’t know if you're injured._ ”

Slowly, she sinks back to rest her rump on her calves.

“ _Where’s Eren?_ ” She asks, voice quiet and unsure.

Armin sighs. “ _He got taken away. Ymir did too… by Bertholdt and Reiner._ ”

Mikasa frowns and looks down at her lap. Memories flash through her mind—memories _always_ flash through her mind in times like these—and she thinks back to when she was nine. How she always found herself running after Eren whenever those three bullies came to harass them. She sucks in a slow breath through grit teeth and feels her head throb.

Why is he always being taken away from her? All she wants is him. _Why?_

She manages to scurry away from the edge of the wall. She makes it back to where her scarf is folded and kneels beside it, wrapping it slowly around her neck.

“ _Why does he always leave?_ ” asks Mikasa through a cracked voice.

Armin sighs yet again. “ _It always seems that way, huh? Like we’re always running after him,_ ” he murmurs. “ _It kind of seems like it was meant to be this way._ ”

Mikasa stiffens at the suggestion. _I’m always meant to chase after him._ It doesn’t sit right with her. 

“ _But all I want is to be with him,_ ” she quietly feels herself admitting. Past any inhibitions that may halt this confession, she murmurs the truth quietly because it's Armin she’s telling this too. Someone who she _really_ trusts. “ _Just for once…_ ”

Really—all she wants, once, is for them to settle down one day when she’s not between his sheets. Just sit down and talk. Normally. Normally. Normally. Is that really so much to ask for?

She settles down to sit on her ass and hug her knees close to her chest. _Is that really so much to ask for?_

Just now, the sound of footsteps approaching slowly drags her back to reality, though she doesn’t turn to face the approaching person.

“ _Mikasa? You’re up?_ ” She instantly recognizes the voice—Hannes. “ _Here, I bet you’re hungry._ ” 

Mikasa turns as he hands her something rectangular, taking it in her hands. She unwraps it and looks down at the _food_ (if you can even call it such) in her hand.

Hannes makes to sit at the edge of the wall, his legs crisscrossed as he takes his first bite into his meal ration. “ _Eh, it tastes like nothing,_ ” he murmurs after he swallows his bite, “ _just like usual._ ” He takes a swig of his water and then adds; “ _this is just like usual too. You guys are always cleaning up after that brat’s messes._ ”

Armin lets out a little, exhausted chuckle. “ _Yeah… that’s true. We always seemed to be chasing after him._ ”

Mikasa tilts her head to face Hannes just as he adds, “ _I’ve never exactly seen him win a fight._ ” She can’t help agreeing. “ _But then again… I’ve never seen him give up either._ ”

And that’s it.

That’s all it takes.

And in the blink of an eye, Mikasa feels her tenacity slowly replenish.

Because if Eren has never stopped fighting, why should she? If you want something, you have to fight for it. If she really wants to be with him—for them to have peace together—then she needs to fight for it. Nothing ever comes easy in life, but the only way to win…

...is to fight.

*****

But you can only fight so much.

And now Mikasa sits, defeated on the battlefield. Her ribs ache—obviously, they’ve been crushed by the Titan that had grabbed her, and she’s careful to make sure that her broken ribs don’t puncture her lungs. Tears well in her eyes as she stares at Eren, crouched down on the ground, hunched over on all fours as he screams into the grass, hysterical. He’s sobbing and shaking and laughing hysterically as he yells, too distraught by the fact that Hannes has just been eaten right in front of his very own eyes to worry about how maniacal he must seem. 

“ _Nothing's changed!_ ” He screams, voice raspy from how loud he is. And he continues to scream this over and over again— _Nothing’s changed! You’re useless! Nothing ever changed!_ —until Mikasa feels her brows tilts upwards in concern as her heart clenches. She wants to reach out and hold him and tell him everything that has changed, all that he’s done right and what he’ll continue to achieve, but she instead inhales slowly to suppress her tears as she whispers out a tiny;

“ _Eren._ ”

Finally, he sinks back. He rises up to his knees, tears still pouring down his cheeks as he turns to Mikasa. She realizes, now, that this is the first time she’s seen him like this in years—so dejected, helpless, ruined. He gapes at her, the intensity and determination that used to burn bright behind his emerald eyes long blown out and replaced by defeat.

“ _That’s not true,_ ” she whispers. Her mind slowly registers all that’s around them—the Titans, their lack of horses, and her destroyed ribcage. _I’m going to die here,_ she realizes. _But before I die, he needs to know this._

“ _Listen…_ ” she begins, looking down as a weak smile tugs at her lips—so tired and ready to accept her fate. “ _I need to tell you something._ ”

Her head tilts up to stare at him—her smile wavers at the sight of his disbelieving face yet again, his tenacity deflated.

“ _You've always been by my side,_ ” she murmurs. “ _Thank you._ ”

 _This is it. I’m going to die here._ She continues to tell herself that if she admits this and gets this lingering love confession off her chest now, it’ll all be worth it, but she knows, deep down, that this _isn’t_ enough.

“ _You taught me… how to live with a purpose. Thank you._ ”

Maybe, it’s a survival instinct. The feeling of dread welling in her stomach isn’t from fear of rejection, but from her human body realizing how near death is. A titan appears from behind a group of trees behind them, staring at them, and this further fuels the dread in Mikasa’s belly.

“ _And you wrapped this scarf around me,_ ” she quietly admits, afraid that if she were to speak louder than her voice would crack. “ _Thank you._ ” She touches the red fabric around her neck, smile wavering as tears start to slip, one by one by one down her flushed cheeks.

She leans forward, ready for a kiss, ready for their final moments to be together, and for the last precious memory in her mind to be of this final kiss together on the open battlefield. Because yes, they’ve kissed before, but never have they ever been delicate save for their first time together.

 _This_ time, there is not the promise of a distraction between their shared moment, but the fresh confession of love lingering in the air between them.

And so Mikasa lets her eyelids flutter shut, when suddenly—

There is a shift of movement. She opens her eyes and watches as Eren climbs to his feet. She can do nothing but gape at him, the dread on her stomach consuming her entire being now as he stands above her.

“ _I’ll wrap that scarf around you,_ ” he begins as he looks over his shoulder back at her. His dark brows have furrowed now, and Mikasa first notices the determination that flashes across his emerald eyes.

And _this_ is how she knows that Eren— _her_ Eren—is back.

“ _I’ll wrap it as many times as you want,_ ” he says. “ _Now and forever. Always._ ”

The rest of his hand reheals, steam curling off of his newly formed hand as it forms into a tight fist. The smiling titan in front of them with blood of Hannes still staining its chest reaches forward just as Eren thrusts his own fist forward as a guttural war cry rips from his throat. His fist connects with its palm, and the ground tremors before the titans around them are rushing forward, completely ignoring them and instead scurrying to…

_Are they eating the smiling titan?_

There are only two emotions filling Mikasa’s mind; confusion and bafflement.

She pauses, horrified and confused by the sight, but Eren is quick to gather her in his arms. He slings her onto his back— _he means to carry me on his back,_ Mikasa realizes—and she wraps her arms around his neck as he hoists her up by holding her thighs. Then, he’s rushing forward.

And Mikasa can only wonder if he interpreted her confession correctly or not.

* * *

~~_After Mikasa’s confession, it happens again._ ~~

~~_But this time, Eren is a bit… different._ ~~

**~**

It’s been a week.

One whole week of being a part of the Levi squad.

And Mikasa feels listless.

Eren has been strangely… distantly, lately. Not more passive than usual, but more as though he’s trying to conceal something. Even upon racking her brain until her head throbbed, Mikasa can’t possibly figure out what Eren is trying to hide from her.

They aren’t necessarily the type of childhood friends that tell each other everything—more like they’ve never been much of a keeper of secrets between each other in the first place. Even if they’d tried, the other would find out eventually. No secrets between them. _No secrets between us._

But today, after completing one of Hanji’s experiments, Eren emerges from the carcass of his titan with his eyes narrowed in a prominent glare aimed towards no one in particular. Mikasa is sure she isn’t the only one who notices this—a quick look to Armin tells her that their blond friend seems to realize that something isn’t quite right, either—but neither voice anything.

_No secrets between us. No secrets between us._

If Eren has a secret, he’ll tell them. Eventually. Because they’re friends—always have been and (hopefully) always will be. You can’t hide anything forever.

“ _How do you feel?_ ” Hanji asks Eren after he’s leaped down from atop his decaying titan. The titan marks around his eyes are prominent—deep and red—and steam curls off of his body. His lips are tight for a moment before he responds, but Mikasa generally feels herself drift away as she focuses on Eren only and tunes everything out.

But then—

“ _Is something wrong with Eren?_ ”

Mikasa turns to Armin beside her. He dismounts his horse from where they’re stationed around Eren on an empty plot of land where these titan experiments usually ensue. Mikasa follows suit, quickly climbing off her saddle to stand beside Armin on level ground. A weird feeling twists her stomach as she tosses his question around in her mind.

“ _If something happened to Eren, he’d tell us,_ ” she decides to say, though the words feel foreign and unsure. (It sounds like she’s trying to convince herself of this more than she is Armin.)

The blond sighs when he hears this. “ _Right, that was stupid of me to ask,_ ” he murmurs. Mikasa peers at him emotionlessly, a bit questioningly because of the solemnity in his tone. Finally, he decides to clarify. “ _Did something happen between_ you _and Eren?_ ”

Ah.

He knows.

Of course he knows. This is Armin—their best friend. Mikasa was just thinking about how they can’t (read: _don’t_ ) keep secrets from each other. She should’ve expected this.

But then—goddammit— _why do her cheeks suddenly feel warm?_

Armin continues to look at her with his gentle, blue eyes, though there is something different behind them. Not comfort, something they usually hold, but genuine concern. _I don’t want you to get hurt,_ his eyes seem to say.

But she’s Mikasa Ackerman, for fuck’s sake. She’s worth a hundred goddamn men. She won’t get hurt. (Even if she already feels so.)

Finally, Mikasa finds her voice. “ _Nothing big._ ” _Lie lie lie,_ her mind screams. _I thought you didn’t keep secrets from your best friends?_ She instantly curses that voice away and it recedes to the depths of her mind (for now).

Armin either doesn’t notice the heat in her cheeks and waver in her voice, or he doesn’t comment on it. Mikasa knows it’s the latter.

“ _Are you sure?_ ” He asks. “ _You seem a bit… listless. And Eren is also…_ ” Armin’s voice trails off as his eyes flit to Eren across the field with Hanji and Moblit. There’s nothing particularly off about Eren right now—he’s standing normally, he’s speaking fine—but Mikasa and Armin still notice it. Because of course they do. Because they’re _best friends_. 

_He’s distracted,_ Mikasa’s mind finishes Armin’s statement. Eren’s eyes aren’t focused—his emerald orbs are nervously flitting to the side, his stance and shoulders rigid. Even when he’s spoken with them other times, they’ve noticed how his voice always seems a bit tight and… distant.

“ _Nothing big happened,_ ” Mikasa finally reiterates.

Armin blinks. He doesn’t believe her. Figures. “ _So something_ did _happen,_ ” he says, matter-of-factly, ever the one to find cryptic meanings in everything. “ _But_ you _don’t think it’s big._ ”

Mikasa’s shoulders stiffen and this is how she knows that she’s given everything away. _Shit._ She quickly tries to rearrange her outward appearance into something calmer, but Armin already caught it.

She gives in. There’s no use hiding it.

“ _I confessed,_ ” she murmurs quietly, heat blazing across her cheeks as she utters this. “ _But I don’t think he… understood, exactly._ ”

Armin huffs out a breath. “ _Finally, you’ve told me. What do you mean you don’t think he understood? Didn’t you just point out the facts?_ ”

Mikasa blinks. “ _I told him I was thankful,_ ” her voice shrinks as her hands instinctively fly to her red scarf around her neck, gripping the fabric. “ _For everything._ ”

Armin sighs and then smiles at her, a bit sympathetically, a bit empathetically. Mikasa realizes, sadly, that this is the first time seeing her friend smile in weeks.

(The world truly is merciless even to the most kindest of hearts.)

“ _Tell him again, then,_ ” he says. “ _If he didn’t understand, help him understand._ ”

Mikasa shivers at the thought of having to confess again. She had only done it because she thought they would die, then—who has ever confessed _without_ their impending death steadily approaching? The thought of having to confess yet again sends her face ablaze.

“ _You can do it,_ ” Armin encourages, his weak smile unwavering.

Mikasa offers him a look, both thankful and horrified. He huffs out a tiny breath of amusement through his nose upon seeing her expression.

It’s now when Levi and Hanji call them to retreat back to the cabin they’ve been staying in. Armin and Mikasa both mount their horses, and just as they’re about to ride off to follow after their superiors, Armin turns to Mikasa and says, “ _don’t hold back anything you don’t want to._ ”

Mikasa blinks as though everything just clicks together in her mind.

She urges her horse onwards, just as she thinks; _no lies between us._

*****

Mikasa finds Eren at midnight.

She’s retreating back inside just after keeping watch as Connie had just taken her place outside when she spots Eren. He seems half-awake, brown hair mussed atop his head with his eyelids drooped with exhaustion. He turns to Mikasa, and the look in his eyes is so far gone that it nearly makes her whimper.

“ _Eren,_ ” she murmurs, “ _why are you awake?_ ”

He blinks slowly at her. “ _I wanted…_ needed _to talk to you._ ”

Mikasa slowly nods. “ _Okay._ ” They’re standing in the middle of the cabin in the pitch dark, and Mikasa’s eyes have only just adjusted to the lack of lighting when Eren ducks forward, snakes an arm around her waist, and then pulls her into a deep kiss.

It’s long needed and desperate. There is first shock, but then it melts away as comfort overcomes the girl, and she quickly wraps her arms around him to pull him tighter against her.

_I’ve missed this._

He pulls apart and stares at her, lips kissed-swollen and cheeks a nice shade of red.

But then he lets out a noise—intended to be a sigh but instead edging on a sob. His chest shudders violently against her as he ducks his head to gently rest it against her sternum.

“ _Eren?_ ” Mikasa breathes. “ _What’s wrong?_ ” She reaches a hand up to comb through his chocolate locks which have turned dark from the lack of lighting. 

Suddenly, Eren must become very aware of where they are before he quickly grabs her hand and leads her to one of the rooms down the corridor. It is his room— _only_ his room, unlike the shared ones everybody else gets. Special titan shifter treatments, she guesses. Eren shuts the door behind him, then pulls Mikasa into bed with him.

She doesn’t say anything.

His body feels strangely stiff beside her, and Mikasa wishes there was a lit candle somewhere to see him. She is on her back and he is on top of her, head resting right on her chest. He sighs.

“ _I’m sorry,_ ” his words are cracked—his voice is shaken. “ _I’m so—so sorry,_ ” he gasps quietly. He presses closer against her shirt. “ _So many are dead because of me. S-So… So many. Nothing’s changed. Nothing ever…_ ” his voice cuts off sharply when his words jump an octave as they crack.

Mikasa blinks and realizes, finally, after all this time, how much he’s needed this and what’s been happening. _This is what he’s been hiding,_ she discovers. _His guilt._

Eren shakes his head against her, his brown hair only becoming more disheveled as a wet blotch starts to form on Mikasa’s shirt—he’s crying. His sobs shake out of him, making his shoulders tremble and breaths choked.

“ _Hannes,_ ” Eren begins.

Mikasa blinks. She looks down at him. He doesn’t finish. “ _What?_ ” She asks.

“ _Mom,_ ” he finally goes on. “ _Mina Carolina. Thomas Wagner. Nac Tias. Petra Ral. Eld Jinn. Oluo Bozado. Gunther Schultz._ _E-Everyone—_ “

 _He’s naming people who have died,_ Mikasa realizes.

“ _—dead. They’re all dead. Why?_ ”

He sobs.

“ _Why?_ ”

Mikasa bites her bottom lip and combs a hand through his hair in a dull attempt to lull him. “ _I don’t know,_ ” she whispers, because she truly doesn’t know why.

Eren’s arms tighten around her as he burrows against her chest, trying to silence his cries. And then he goes on; he keeps naming people who are dead—who will never return. People who never deserved death yet were taken out of this world anyways. He keeps murmuring their names as his sobs build into something uncontrollable and hysterical. 

This is the first time Mikasa has even seen him like this before. So defeated and broken. He lets everything out until he’s shaking uncontrollably against her, voice raspy and broken as he starts murmuring endless apologies as though he’s the one at fault.

“ _I’m so sorry,_ ” he says. “ _Mom… I’m so sorry. Hannes… everyone. I’m so—so sorry. They’re all—_ “

“ _Eren._ ”

He stops and inhales slowly.

“ _This isn’t your fault,_ ” Mikasa says. “ _You can’t blame yourself._ ”

“ _But I’m humanity’s last hope,_ ” he gasps. “ _What hope am I if I can’t protect a simple squadron of people?_ ”

“ _You’re plenty good,_ ” Mikasa goes on. She lowers her hands to find his head and when she does, she cups his cheeks, tilting his head up from where he’s nuzzled against her chest to stare at her through the darkness. There is nothing but the moonlight outside filtering in through the shutters to act as their source of light, but that’s all they need.

“ _Please,_ ” she whispers, “ _believe in yourself as I believe in you._ ”

He stares at her, mouth agape and tears still glossing over his eyes. It seems like he wants to say something—like there’s a question or statement lingering on his tongue that he hasn’t yet voiced. It looks like he’s trying to find his words before, finally, he quiet asks;

“ _Why do you put so much faith in me?_ ”

Mikasa doesn’t hesitate. She simply smiles as she says, “ _because, you’re_ **_my_ ** _Eren._ ”

Eren’s eyes widen before he gives her a watery smile. He leans up and presses their lips together, kissing Mikasa’s lip long and soft and delicate, as though if he moves any further than he'll break her. _He tastes of salt,_ Mikasa faintly thinks, just as they pull away.

“ _Thank you,_ ” he says, words barely audible.

Mikasa can’t help the blush that dusts across her cheeks. She’s glad it’s dark. “ _Of course._ ”

This is a side of Eren she has never seen before. A side that hurts her to witness, but a side that she knows he needs to reveal every once in a while.

Because as Eren is her distraction from nightmares and unwelcome inquiries, Mikasa is his solace from the hellish world they were born into.

They kiss once more before Eren’s arms tighten against her again. Mikasa grabs his shoulders, her grip firm as she turns them over so that she’s hovering atop him. She kisses his cheek, where tears have begun to dry on his face, and then his forehead like a loving mother does to their sleeping child. His hands are on her waist as she litters kisses all over him, his touch gentle and featherlight. He’s treating her like a piece of glass. ( _Is it bad she likes being treated delicately by him?_ )

 _I love you,_ Mikasa thinks with a kiss to his chin.

 _I love you,_ Mikasa thinks with a kiss down his neck.

 _I love you,_ Mikasa thinks with a kiss to the dip of his clavicle.

 _I love you,_ Mikasa thinks.

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I love you._

She ends up at the waistband of his pants, not unintentionally. She sits up, straddling him where he lies on his back on the bed. His hands have gone still at her waist where Mikasa has already begun to try to rip off his shirt.

The eyes he’s giving her now are so painfully melancholic that it makes her want to cry with him.

“ _Eren,_ ” she muses, reaching down to touch his face. He shudders against her touch. “ _Don’t worry. I’m here with you._ ”

He nods wordlessly, leaning against her touch which instantly sends a burst of heat surging through her body. She swallows hard, blushing in spite of her slowly as she leans down and kisses him deeply.

And under the cover of the night, they join together once again in the most intimate of ways as they’ve done many times before, posterior to falling asleep together, huddled close in each other’s arms. Their bodies are pressed flush together, with Eren only donning his pants and Mikasa in his tunic.

Eren cries during sex that night. Mikasa notices—but she doesn’t comment on it. 

The next morning, he abashedly avoids her, and Mikasa can’t help but feel as though he never wanted her to see that side of him in the first place.

(The next afternoon, Mikasa realizes, albeit a bit belatedly, that she never clarified to Eren about her love confession.

But then she decides she doesn't need to—she loves him with all her heart and she knows it, and isn't that all that truly matters?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeaaaa this chapter was bad. Don’t even try to sugarcoat it


	3. Think of it as a Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's POV for once
> 
> also, in which I finally write out the entire smut scene instead of half-assing it as I've done up to this point. things get prEEETTYYYY explicit by the end of this chapter so just... beware ig

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I know what I did to you was wrong  
>  Hence why I've kept it for this long  
>  Secrets have been brewing up a storm  
>  Did not expect it to transform." —BENEE, Soaked

~~_Eren loves Mikasa._ ~~

~~_He truly does._ ~~

~~_But she deserves better._ ~~

**~**

Eren wakes up with the familiar weight of pleasant rest sitting idly on his chest, and he knows that he isn’t alone in bed.

A lot has been happening as of late—a lot is _always_ happening—but last night was the night before the battle to retake Wall Maria. All of the scouts had been exhausted after a nice dinner and being treated to meat, courtesy of their senior soldiers, and everyone went to bed immediately after dinner, giving Eren and Mikasa the opportunity to slip away from the rest. A lot has been flying through Eren's mind with the upcoming mission, and when he saw Mikasa-

Well, he needed a distraction from his overbearing thoughts, and Mikasa just so happens to always be here for him.

But he can’t help feeling a bit guilty. Because last night, he thinks he may have taken it too far. He had disregarded the fact that Mikasa is a human with limits, and he thinks he may have pushed her over the edge a bit too much. Midway through when her legs had given out completely and Eren had to hold her up with an arm around her waist, he had asked her, in a low and pleading voice, “ _do you want me to stop?_ ” Mikasa had shaken her head and kissed him as he continued to ram into her, and said, “ _don’t stop,_ ” and to that, Eren hadn’t.

(But he should’ve, and he wishes he did.)

 _Oh well. What’s done is done,_ he tells himself.

Mikasa, who still rests soundly beside him, shifts quietly in her sleep. A tiny groan escapes her as she turns over, nuzzling close into his chest before settling comfortably against him. Her leg around him hooks up higher to bring them impossibly closer, and Eren smiles tiredly down at her—all peaceful and asleep. Usually, Mikasa wakes up first and is gone by the time Eren rouses from his sleep, but today, Eren is up before her, and he gets to enjoy the sight of her sleeping.

Her dark lashes have fanned out against her cheek, and the blanket covering them as well as the lack of lighting, regarding the fact that the sun hasn’t risen yet, is helping veil her lack of modesty. Eren’s eyes trail down her neck, and he feels himself blush embarrassedly when he lights on the telltale reddened marks on her clavicle trailing down, disappearing underneath the wool blanket around her. It’s a good thing she wears a scarf.

Slowly, Eren props himself up on his elbow and grips the edges of the blanket to lift it, peering down at the naked figure before him. He’s interested in how the prominent squares of her abs become less visible by each intake of air, though they contract as she exhales. Her body is finely tuned—this is something Eren both knows and loves—and he eyes her firm legs with awe, his emerald orbs trailing up up up until they settle on the juncture where there’s a light patch of dark fuzz.

He recoils back just a little, unsure if this is right of him or not. It’s not the _first_ time he’s ever found Mikasa cute. When they were kids and his mother would tell him to wake Mikasa up in the early morning, he always found resting Mikasa adorable with the way she sleeps with her scarf always clutched tightly in her hand as though someone will take it from her, perfect pink lips parted just ever-so-slightly. Even now, at fifteen years of age, she sleeps with that damn scarf around her neck with her right fist holding it with almost a death grip.

He doesn’t understand _why_ she treasures it so much—to him, it’s just a worn and dirty old rag—he’s even offered to give Mikasa another, but she hadn’t said anything—though he supposes it doesn’t matter. If she likes it, so be it. Who is he to judge?

Mikasa shifts again. She must feel that the blanket has lifted off of her because she shivers and nuzzles closer into Eren’s bare chest. They hadn’t put clothes back on last night (well, Mikasa hadn’t, Eren still put on undergarments), and Eren now feels himself nursing the beginnings of an erection between his thighs.

He reaches down, feeling only a smidge bit of unease as he touches her fair shoulder. Her body still feels impossibly warm, even after hours have passed since last night’s events have transpired. He trails a delicate finger towards the dip of her clavicle, leaving it there, lingering, as Mikasa shivers. He shouldn’t feel _too_ guilty, really. Though they haven’t established boundaries in their relationship even after all this time, he still knows whenever things are taken too far (last night doesn’t count).

Actually… speaking of their relationship…

Eren is scared.

He is scared that Mikasa’s curiosity will lead to questions he doesn’t have answers to. It’s happened before, on the night of their graduation, and although Eren had given an answer that seemed to quell her inquisitiveness then, he’s not sure if he can think of another way to circumvent it again.

 _What are we?_ is a question he fears to hear. Not because he is scared of commitment, but because he is scared of being _wrong._

He is scared… of Mikasa wanting more than he can give. She deserves _so much,_ but he doesn’t have all she needs.

 _She deserves better,_ he thinks for the umpteenth time since this entire ordeal between them had started.

“ _Mmn,_ ” Mikasa groans quietly, still asleep.

Eren sighs as his hand dips lower to the cleft of her breast. She shudders as his hand drifts down the valley between the swells on her chest before groaning once again as his hand floats over a pink nipple. He stays there a bit, gauging her reaction, waiting to see if she will wake, but she remains sound asleep. Must be all the exhaustion from last night—figures.

Eren’s hand drifts lower to the curve of her abs, then slip around her to her lower back to simply hold her against him. She sighs against his chest, her hot breath fanning against his skin. It makes a shiver ripple through Eren’s own spine as he pulls his hand back to rest above the patch of dark hair underneath her bellybutton.

“ _Eren?_ ”

He blinks and looks up towards the girl who slowly rouses from her sleep. Her eyes blink tiredly, still laden with exhaustion as she eyes him curiously.

“ _You’re awake?_ ” He asks, voice deep and low.

“ _It’s hard to sleep when you’re doing_ that _,_ ” she murmurs, matter-of-factly as she blinks down at his hand. He chortles awkwardly.

“ _Yeah, I guess._ ”

“ _So?_ ” asks Mikasa.

He looks at her. “ _So…?_ ” He asks back.

Grey eyes roll in exasperation. “ _Is that as far as you’re going to go?_ ”

Eren blushes slightly, thankful that the sun still hasn’t risen as he lowers his hand. He stares intently at Mikasa as her face contorts when he reaches her folds which have already started to become slick. He knows that they can’t take too long since it’s almost morning, lest they wish to be caught, so he sinks his first finger into her and kisses her lips to silence a moan.

He pulls back when he starts to thumb her clit, looking at the blush that spreads across her cheeks as some heat starts to rise to his own face. They’ve been doing this for so long, he already knows how to turn her into putty in his arms. But then again, regarding last night, he isn’t sure if he wants to go _all_ the way.

“ _What’s wrong?_ ” Mikasa asks him, noticing his slight hesitation.

Eren feels himself sigh. “ _Last night…_ ” he groans regretfully, apologetic.

Mikasa shakes her head, reaching her hands up to wrap around him and pull them even closer together so that she’s inches away from his face. “ _Last night was wonderful. Thank you._ ”

Eren blinks, cursing the blood that has begun surging toward his cock at the mere mention of Mikasa thanking him for last night. _It’s just that she’s never openly thanked me before._ He likes it, but still also feels guilty.

But he decides to dismiss his thoughts for now and instead focuses on the girl beside him. He turns them over so that he’s above her, the blanket shifting and lowering and exposing Mikasa fully to him. He’s seen her naked before, but the sight of her always riles him up. He can never get bored with her. Slowly, he leans down as Mikasa tilts her head up, kissing her as he shoves a second finger into her.

Mikasa moans loudly against him, never the one to be exactly quiet during sex, and Eren swallows down the noises of pleasure as he starts to finger her, slow and tantalizing. Mikasa grinds down on his fingers until he’s inside of her to his third knuckle as a whine of his name escapes her. He kisses her again, and his tongue quickly swoops into her mouth as she starts to writhe beneath him.

“ _E-Eren,_ ” she pants when they separate. “ _Please—nghn—inside—mmn—hah —_ ”

Eren nods as he trails kisses down her neck. “ _I know,_ ” he exhales, trailing down down down until he’s eye-to-eye with the place where she needs him most. He kisses the swollen bud of her clit and Mikasa makes an unintelligent noise when his fingers slip out of her, leaving her shivering and in-need.

Mikasa starts to say something, but her words are gone completely when Eren’s tongue thrusts into her. He uses his other hand to rub those tortuous circles on her clit—the circles that make her absolutely _scream_ —as he uses her tongue to explore her more than he already has. He tilts his tongue up and her thigh quivers beside his head as she babbles her pleasure uncontrollably. Eren can peek at her perfectly like this, and the sight of her so aroused as she’s brought to her climax is an image he stores into the back of his mind for his own personal masturbatory desires.

“ _C-Close—_ ” Mikasa gasps, her face beet red as she grips her scarf. “ _S-So close—ah!—hah—Eren!_ ”

Eren takes note of this and makes his ministrations reach a fever pitch, bringing Mikasa closer and closer to climax as she becomes more vociferous to the point in which she has to bury her face into a pillow to silence her cries. Eren gives her one final thrust with his tongue at the angle that makes her cry out which undoes her, making her arch her back and moan uncontrollably as she comes into his mouth. Eren fingers her clit, helping her ride through her climax until her back lowers to the bed and she’s doing nothing but pant.

Eren extracts himself from her and rises up to meet her lips, kissing her closed-mouth at first, conscious of the fact that his tongue must taste just like her, though Mikasa shoves a tongue past his closed lips anyways, uncaring of that factor. They kiss deeply until, when Eren pulls away, Mikasa is panting and staring up at him dazedly. She smiles weakly at him and they share one of those dazed smiles with each other before Eren kisses her cheek and flops down onto the mattress beside her.

Mikasa reaches her hand down to grip him through his boxers, though Eren grabs her wrist and jerks her hand away before she can have the chance to do so. She gives him a confused look, but Eren shakes his head and kisses her worries away.

“ _Don’t worry about me,_ ” he murmurs.

Mikasa blinks, her eyebrows tilting upwards in confusion. “ _Why not?_ ”

“ _It’s fine,_ ” he says. He kisses her one last time, chaste and quick, before pulling away and rolling towards the edge of his bed. He gathers their clothing off the ground from the telltale trail they had left the previous night, leading from the door to the bed, and he rolls Mikasa’s clothes into a ball before tossing it towards her. She catches it before it hits her face.

“ _We should get going,_ ” he says. “ _Before anyone else wakes up. We don’t want them to see._ ”

He looks over to Mikasa and notices her head drooping ever-so-slightly. There’s disappointment painted across her features, but she simply says, “ _okay,_ ” as she starts to pull her clothes back on.

Eren can’t help the fact that his heart clenches at that. He doesn’t say anything.

The two quickly don their clothing, and then they leave the room unnoticed. They had slept in one of the unoccupied rooms instead of the barracks, and so together they make their way to where everyone else is when they run into Armin. Eren has no idea if Armin knows what’s been transpiring between him and Mikasa, but their blond friend has never commented or asked, therefore Eren doesn’t clarify or ask either.

“ _You two are up early,_ ” Armin notes aloud. There is obvious and apparent exhaustion in his features.

Eren simply nods in response. “ _Yeah,_ ” is all he says. The three of them make their way down the hall together in comfortable silence, and Armin doesn’t ask if anything happened between the two of them.

  
  


(“ _Did something happen between you and Eren?_ ” Eren hears Armin ask Mikasa later that day as they're gearing up for their mission. Armin thinks Eren is out of hearing-range and can’t hear him—Armin is wrong.

“ _No,_ ” Mikasa murmurs back.

“ _Are you sure? You two seem a bit…_ ” Armin's voice trails off. If Eren were to look behind him to where his two friends are, he’s sure he would see Armin vaguely gesturing with his arms as if to fill out the rest of his sentence.

“ _Armin, we’re fine,_ ” Mikasa says, her voice taking on a… peculiar lilt. It’s something Eren has never heard from her before. She sounds a bit… solemn and regretful, but also a bit… happy? _Is that even possible?_ “ _Thank you for worrying, though._ ”

There’s a long drawn out silence between them, and during so Eren peeks over his shoulder back to them. Mikasa is frowning profusely, and Eren’s heart clenches at the sight. _She isn’t happy,_ he realizes.

“ _Anytime,_ ” Armin eventually breathes in response with a simple nod. Then, the conversation ends like that.

Mikasa looks up and when hers and Eren’s eyes lock, he spots the ghost of a blush float over her cheeks before she ducks her head and looks away. He frowns, but then looks away himself and doesn’t say anything.)

* * *

_~~When they try to talk, it ends horribly.~~ _

**~**

It’s after the battle to take over wall Maria. The main objective was a success—Eren managed to close up to hole with his titan hardening abilities—though in pursuit of the mission, there were many, _many_ drawbacks.

First was when the scouts had arrived and they couldn’t find Reiner or Bertholdt. Luckily, thanks to Armin, they managed to find the former, though that only seemed to lead further down the path of misfortune following in the wake of only more misfortune, much to the scouting legion’s dismay. They’ve lost too many people today for this mission to be called a victory—only nine of them have survived, two of which (Armin and Sasha) aren’t even conscious, at the moment.

And now, about three hours after the battle, five of the scouts are searching the area for any surviving shoulders while two people stay atop the walls to keep an eye on Sasha and Armin until they wake. 

Eren uses his gear to scale onto a roof of one of the partially destroyed houses, the side crushed into itself, all of the pounds of woods and bricks buckled into each other with the roof shingles burned, charred into something frivolous. His heart weighs heavy in the center of his chest, throat thick with a lump stuck in it as dread continues to consume his body even after all of this time of fruitless searching.

_Armin almost died today…_

He keeps thinking it, over and over and over again. _Shit_.

_Armin almost died today…_

He tries to block that thought out, trying to stuff it down by remembering that Armin is _alive_ right now, but it keeps returning. It doesn’t leave. It lingers.

Eren swallows thickly and shakes his head so hard that it starts to ache. His shoulders still tremble, fingers shaking and palms clammy even as they grip his ODM gear tighter and tighter with each aching clench of his heart.

He thinks of everyone they’ve lost, remembers the blood and the death as though it still looms over his head. Even after the battle has died down, his body still thrums with adrenaline pumping fiercely through his veins. His thoughts keep running a mile a minute, his breaths still relatively shallow, and his movements still a bit jerky.

_So much… we’ve all lost so much…_

_And for_ what _?_

He hears faint footsteps in the distance, slowly approaching, and this manages to root him to reality, though just barely. He turns around just as the sounds of ODM gear working comes quietly from the space behind him, watching as the end of the wire hooks onto the edge of the roof before, eventually, someone swings up, landing gracefully on their feet.

_Mikasa._

She brings her head up slowly and when their eyes meet, they both know that they are filled with immense regret and suffering.

Slowly, the girl shuffles towards him, movements flawlessly and fluid, unlike Eren’s stiff and jittery joints. She stops to stand right beside him, and together they stare forward at the mass of destruction they stand upon. Ruined, burnt, destroyed homes. Blood cakes the dirt—bodies are scattered about. _This is not a place where people can call home. This is hell,_ Eren thinks.

“ _I’m sorry,_ ” he says, because there are a million thoughts running through his mind and he doesn’t know which to say, so he only grabs the first thing he knows. He doesn’t know _why_ , exactly, but he’s just… sorry.

“ _For what?_ ” asks Mikasa. She is different. Her voice is tiny, desperate, hoarse from crying. When they had dispersed to search the grounds for any surviving bodies, Eren remembers watching Mikasa disappear behind a house to silently cry to herself. He felt the need to join her, but instead, he continued on. _You cannot comfort someone when you are aching too, can you?_ He doesn’t know.

“ _For… everything,_ ” he says, voice raw and croaky. He watches her turn to him in his periphery, her eyes puffy and red from crying, pink lips still quivering.

“ _I am, too,_ ” she whispers.

He turns to her so quickly his head nearly hurts. “ _What?_ ” He rasps out. “ _Why are you sorry?_ ”

“ _For…_ ” she begins, meaning to explain herself, but instead her voice trails off uselessly before she eventually closes her lips and gives up. Eren doesn’t press the matter—he understands. When one is feeling so much dread and sorrow and regret, the only thing they can do is apologize.

“ _Mikasa,_ ” he begins slowly, twisting his neck to face her. She mimics his action almost instantly, turning her head completely to face him. “ _Do you think…_ ” he bites his lip in hesitation, “ _he still wants to see it?_ ”

 _The sea,_ his mind clarifies. _Does Armin still want to see the sea?_

Mikasa blinks. She gets it. “ _I’m sure he always does,_ ” she murmurs softly. “ _Thanks to you, he can._ ”

“ _To you, too,_ ” Eren finds himself saying. Mikasa gives a questioning look, to which he tries to amend with, “ _you fought for his life too, Mika. He’s here because of you too._ ”

Mikasa gives him this certain look, now. With her eyebrows tilted upwards, mouth falling shape as tears form in her eyes. She blinks, and one single tear rolls down her cheeks before she quickly scrubs it away with her hand.

“ _You okay?_ ” Eren asks. It’s a stupid question—he knows she isn’t.

“ _...yeah_ ,” Mikasa murmurs always, lying.

They turn to face forward again and stay like that for a few more silent minutes before Mikasa scoots an inch closer to Eren, her fingers brushing up against his. Eren knows this was no mistake—he peers down to watch as Mikasa knots their fingers together between them. He feels the way her hand slots perfectly with his, how callous it is even though it looks so delicate and nimble, and he lets the slight rush of comfort he gets from holding hands with Mikasa make him float away from this situation, if only slightly.

Mikasa scoots closer again to lean into his side. The warmth of her body bleeds through Eren’s clothes and to his own, reassuring him.

“ _Are you going to push me away this time?_ ” asks Mikasa. Maybe, it could be a teasing remark, or a question asked out of spite, but here Mikasa only sounds… sad and unhopeful.

“ _No,_ ” Eren says, stuffing the feeling of slight embarrassment away at the thought that anyone could see them right now. They’re far enough, anyways. If anything, he and Mikasa could separate in case they hear someone approaching as Eren had heard Mikasa.

“ _Mmn,_ ” she hums slightly, before, in a tiny voice, she asks, “ _why do you push me away?_ ”

Eren stiffens, but forces himself to relax. Though, his body doesn’t seem to want to comply completely, because now his shoulders are strangely rigid and his knees feel stiff.

“ _Because I’m… worried,_ ” he says. It’s partially a lie.

“ _Of what? People seeing us?_ ” Mikasa pries. Eren’s prolonged silence and lack of response is answer enough. She sighs, and Eren feels her hand go slack in his grip as though she isn’t holding on anymore. “ _You’re embarrassed of me, aren’t you?_ ”

“ _No,_ ” Eren blurts, because he _isn’t_.

“ _Then why?_ ”

Eren sighs and looks down. He doesn’t answer again, and he watches Mikasa’s face contort into something more hurt than curious.

“ _I see._ ” She rips her hand from his grasp and takes a wobbly step back on the roof they’re standing on top of. The shingles there slide underneath her feet, leaving her with unsteady footing, and Mikasa grimaces as she twists to stand further back. “ _You don’t want me here._ ” She speaks now in that level voice of hers, as if unharmed—as if she isn’t angry right now. But she _is_.

Eren isn’t the most observant—if anything, _Armin_ is an observant person. But Eren has been friends with Mikasa for six years (and friends with benefits for one), and he’s spent enough time paying attention to her to notice when she gets angry like this. Not physically—it’s pretty obvious to tell when Mikasa is physical—but now, Mikasa just speaks with her tone low and leveled. Her voice doesn’t shift or waver, but there’s that undertone of anger lingering there.

She raises her gaze to meet his, grey eyes narrowed in the tiniest of a glare, before she turns her head and makes to walk away. Eren’s body lurches forward, ready to move, but his limbs are still so stiff and so his movements are jerky as he follows after her. He reaches out just as Mikasa is at the edge of the roof, ready to swing into the next building, and his fingers curl around her wrist just before she jumps forward.

He yanks her backwards and she turns to him, staring blankly at him forlornly. Her lips part in preparation to speak, but before any words can slip out, Eren ducks forward and closes the gap between them, slotting their lips together like he’s done many times before.

He lets the warmth of her lips flow through his, leaking down his body, warming him from the inside and making his stomach knot up. His heart leaps with excitement, stomach twisting with a strange amalgam of bashfulness and lust.

Their lips press harder and harder before Mikasa pulls back and stares at him wordlessly, eyes wide and almost disbelieving. He watches as a rush of heat floods her cheek just as a faint blush dusts across his own cheeks as they continue to stand, unmoving in heavy silence.

Then,

“ _Why?_ ”

Eren blinks. He… wasn’t expecting her to say that. Well, actually—he just wasn’t her to sound so… regretful. He takes a wobbly step back, unsure, as a feeling akin to regret comes over him. 

“ _You know we’re in public,_ ” Mikasa says in a harsh whisper. “ _Wh-Why would you…I thought you didn’t… with me,_ ” she stutters, her words scrambled together and now more confused than anything.

“ _I always want you,_ ” Eren says. He isn’t lying. He wouldn’t lie about this.

Mikasa shakes her head and looks away, tears rising to the corners of her eyes. “ _Yeah… of course. When it’s convenient. Because I’m convient._ ”

“ _N-No,_ ” Eren blurts. She misinterpreted. “ _I… you’re not just convenient to me. I…_ ” _—love you,_ his mind finishes.

“ _You what?_ ” Mikasa asks.

Eren chokes around his words and looks down, unable to meet her gaze as he instead murmurs, “ _we’re special to each other._ ”

Mikasa makes a noise akin to a scoff. She looks away. “ _Right. Okay._ ” She turns away from him completely, ripping her hand away from where his hand was still clutching to wrist as she instead takes her ODM gear into her grip. She doesn’t say anything as she uses her gear to hook onto the edge of a building adjacent to the one they're on, swinging down to the floor and leaving Eren alone.

The air around him feels weird once Mikasa leaves—like the atmosphere shifted and just became empty. He feels like he’s missing something vital—like a hole has started to form in his body, swallowing up his insides and leaving him unfeeling and numb.

Was that a fight?

Did they just get into an argument?

He shakes his head, pushing that thought away and forcing his attention to remain on the task at hand; search for survivors. He cranes his neck as his emerald orbs search the area around him, concluding that there’s no living soul around except for him, and so he uses his gear to safely swing onto the next building, back towards the wall where Armin and Sasha are.

 _Just stuff it away. Forget about it,_ he tells himself in spite of his better judgement only because it feels safer to do so—because he’s scared of what the outcome may be in the event that he dwells on the conversation he just had.

And so he does—he pushes the thoughts away as he makes his way to the wall, and when he scales it and stands atop wall Maria to see Armin sitting up on the floor, awake and looking _very_ confused, all of his attention snaps to his blond friend as he rushes forward on hurried feet, forgetting all about his conversation with Mikasa as he reaches forward and envelopes Armin in a hug.

“ _Uhm… Eren?_ ” Armin asks, sounding as confused as he looks. Just hearing his voice, alive and well, makes a nearly insurmountable amount of comfort balloon in Eren’s chest as he squeezes his arms tighter around his friend—his _alive_ friend.

“ _You’re alright,_ ” Eren gasps into Armin’s shoulder, relief flooding his tone. “ _I’m so glad you’re okay,_ ” he murmurs.

And then he forgets, for a moment, all about his recent conversation with Mikasa.

* * *

_~~It happens later that night.~~ _

**~**

The night when the scouts return back home, Eren retreats to a cell for discipline since he had gone against Levi’s orders on their mission. He grimaces at the thought of having to stay in a basement cell, but doesn’t voice his discomfort towards it. _At least Armin is alive,_ he tells himself. _If I hadn’t gone against Levi, Armin wouldn’t be here today._

He is rounding a corner in the corridor he walks down when a hand yanks him backward, dragging him from his thoughts and back to reality. Eren feels his senses sharpen as he immediately jerks away from the tight grip on his arm, his hand twisting for his offender's wrist and ready to fight whoever is attacking him, only to find Mikasa standing behind him. Instantly, his defenses lower, his surprise melting away and making room for confusion.

“ _Mikasa—?_ ”

He doesn’t have the chance to finish before Mikasa grabs him by the leather straps of his ODM gear harness, tugging him harshly forward to crush their lips together. There’s an awkward clack of teeth from the open-mouthed kiss and Mikasa tongue immediately probes its way into Eren’s mouth, pushing herself harder into him to kiss him so sloppily in which a string of salvia connects their lips even as they pull away. Eren gives her a shocked lock, flushed deep red by her sudden actions as his moss green orbs immediately frantically dart around them.

“ _Shit, what if someone—_ “

“ _Nobody saw,_ ” Mikasa butts in. Eren blinks and stiffens, turning to Mikasa with a breath snagged in his throat. She sounds… odd. Empty and dull. Though this is probably how Mikasa usually sounds to others—guarded and unreadable—Eren is usually able to tell. But now… _now_ , she just sounds like a husk. Her eyes stare at him with a detached expression, not even the ghost of a blush on her cheeks, and Eren immediately feels a shiver chase itself down his spine.

 _This is not my Mikasa,_ he thinks, because this _isn’t_. It’s almost scary seeing her so… so empty.

“ _What are you doing?_ ” He asks, meaning to sound concerned, but instead it comes out rushed and almost angry.

“ _What do you mean?_ ” Mikasa leans forward and pushes Eren’s back against the wall. “ _No one’s around…_ ”

“ _That’s not the point!_ ”

“ _Then what_ is _the point?_ ” She asks, tenser than before.

Eren struggles to find his words, and instead groans as he looks away. “ _You’re different,_ ” he says instead.

“ _No. I’m always like this, Eren_ ,” she says. She grabs his hand, her palms so cold against his, and Eren grimaces as she leads him down the hall.

“ _Where are you taking me?_ ” He asks.

She doesn’t say anything. Mikasa’s lips purse together as her eyes squint into something edging on a glare.

“ _You’re angry,_ ” he claims, and when her shoulders go rigid, he knows he’s found his answer. “ _Why?_ ”

“ _Why do you_ think _!_ ” She cries, and her voice is strange—tight and loud and angry. Eren rips his hand from her grasp and his body instinctually takes a step back when he hears her yell, like he needs to put space between them because he isn’t sure if she’ll explode or not.

“ _I don’t know,_ ” he says quickly. “ _Why do you assume I do? How can I know if you don’t tell me?_ ”

Mikasa huffs frustratedly and turns on her heel, striding down the dark corridor.

“ _Where are you going?_ ” Eren asks as he hurried after her.

“ _Just follow me,_ ” she says lowly. 

And so he does, because he’s scared to disagree. He’s seen Mikasa angry before, and it’s a terrible thing no doubt, but never has her anger been aimed towards _him_ before. Has Mikasa even been mildly irritated and annoyed at him, yes, but angry? Eren can’t seem to recall the last time Mikasa was angry at him, and he later finds its because Mikasa has never _been_ angry at him before.

They’re passing by a vacant room when Mikasa abruptly stops, swivels around, and then grabs Eren’s wrists. She pulls him into the room, dark due to the lack of windows and the fact that there isn’t a candle lit, and then instantly pushes him up against the door and smashes their lips together.

Eren groans into her mouth as Mikasa’s hands slip underneath his shirt, past he straps against his torso to grope at the exposed skin. Eren makes an unintelligent noise as they pull away, and as he blinks dazedly at Mikasa, he sees her fix a blank stare on his chest. He gulps. _This isn’t his Mikasa._

“ _Let’s do it,_ ” she murmurs, vague and slightly breathless.

Eren still gets it. “ _Right here?_ ”

She looks up at him, eyes scarily empty, expression untelling. “ _You don’t want me?_ ” Worded like a declaration but spoken like a question, this phrase pierces Eren straight through his heart with a pang of pining.

“ _Of course I do_ ,” he sputters. “ _But-_ “

“ _I want to._ ”

Eren snaps his mouth shut and stares down at Mikasa’s unshifting expression. He swallows thickly, but then nods in spite of his better judgment. Mikasa needs no further confirmation—her hands are immediately scrambling to his belt, fumbling with the buckle as she kisses his tan neck. Eren shudders when she has his pants undone and pulled down his hips, exposing his undergarments, and a groan escapes him when Mikasa bites at his clavicle.

“ _I never understood—_ “ Mikasa gasps as she alters between kissing and licking at the red blossoms she lets on his skin, “ _—why you always—came—to me._ ”

Eren has to force himself to remember to speak and manages to croak out, “ _Wh-Why—hnng—not? You’ve—mmn—always been there for—f-for—me._ ”

Mikasa detaches her lips to peer up at him. “ _Hmm,_ ” she hums in thought, her hand tracing over the bulge in his trousers. Her hum cuts off, indicating that she’s finished her thought, and her hands raise to the edges of her own clothes to strip herself naked.

Eren kisses her lips once her shirt is out of the way, forgetting about his precious inner turmoil as he continues to kiss Mikasa as though her lips have become an addiction (which, honestly, they kind of have). His hands dip to her pants, unbuttoning them and then pulling them down so that he can slip a hand between the fabric of her panties and her sensitive skin.

She moans, soft and breathy against his lips as a finger drifts over her entrance.

“ _We have to hurry,_ ” she murmurs, “ _or else they’ll come looking for us._ ”

“ _No shit,_ ” Eren replies, ever the snarky sarcastic, deciding that now is the perfect opportunity to pull her panties off.

Mikasa makes a poor attempt at trying to pin him to the door, and Eren only knows its poor because he knows that Mikasa could sweep him off of his feet one-handed (both literally and figuratively) because all he has to do to counter her advance is grab her wrist and pin _her_ to the wall instead.

He rocks up against her as though to show her how hard he’s gotten and she offers him a divine watery gasp in response which only further spurs on his arousal.

His hand dips down to her entrance again, this time not meant to be teasing as he decides to actually slip a finger inside of her. Mikasa gasps, arching her back against the wall as she hooks one thigh up on his waist that Eren keeps secure with a hand.

“ _Erennn,_ ” she groans into his shoulder as he plays with her in the way he’s done many times before—in the way he knows that’ll put her right on edge. Eren teases his way through her, eventually slipping inside a second finger to further speed up the process, and once Mikasa starts to grind eagerly against his fingers, trying to swallow both digits up to the third knuckle, he knows she’s ready.

He slips his fingers out, leaving her writhing and whining as he hurriedly tugs the waistband of his undergarments down his hips to expose his hardened length. His hand dips lower to pump his cock with ease, lubing himself up with his own precum before he looks up and locks eyes with Mikasa.

With a wordless exchange, he slips himself inside. Mikasa moans, loud and audible, and Eren quickly ducks forward to dampen the noise with his lips, kissing her as he starts to push himself into her. It takes only a bit of getting adjusted to before Mikasa starts wriggling her hips, asking for _more_ , and Eren understands, quickly jerking his hips up at a new angle to make her cry out. She groans and leans forward, gripping tightly onto his shoulders as Eren kisses her head of obsidian hair.

He pounds into her continuously after that until they lose themselves to fucking each other senseless, and soon what was “ _we should hurry up_ ” turned into, “ _more_ ” and “ _please_ ” and “ _fuck_ yes _!_ ” until they couldn’t fucking stop. They couldn’t find it in themselves to stop because they knew what they would retreat to once they finished. Eren would find himself slowing his thrusts after an orgasm died down, only to quickly remember that what awaits him after this is a bunch of inner turmoil which will only drive him insane which then led him to thrust up into Mikasa again, keeping them going.

He can’t…

He couldn’t…

He doesn’t _want_ to remember…

  
  


But they stop, eventually, because they have to.

They’re collapsed on the floor, Mikasa’s thighs spazzing from the aftershocks of their sessions, and Eren’s sight blurred by steamy libido. They’re both sweaty and exhausted messes with nothing but shame and guilt piled on their shoulders, and so they don’t meet each other’s gaze in the darkness of the room as they plunk down on opposite sides of the floor.

A long, thick, and heavy silence settles between them before, eventually, Eren asks, “ _should we go back?_ ”

Mikasa sighs. “ _Not yet._ ”

He doesn’t argue.

They sit like that for a bit longer, and Eren starts to feel how disgusting and how much in need of a shower he is when, quietly, Mikasa’s broken voice floats over to him from the other side of them, asking, “ _what are we doing?_ ”

Eren makes a noise that’s meant to be an awkward, breathless laugh but instead comes out like a sobbing chortle. “ _You tell me._ ”

He finally lifts his head and looks over, and though it is dark and hard to see, he still spots Mikasa’s shadowy figure sitting across from him sitting against the wall.

“ _Should we stop?_ ” 

Mikasa stiffens and the first thing that pummels straight through Eren’s heart is instant regret.

He hadn’t meant to ask it, really—it was but a fleeting thought that had dribbled from his lips before he could realize that he was speaking—but now that he has, all that’s left to do it wait.

“ _I don’t want…_ ” Mikasa begins slowly after a long uncomfortable silence, unsure as she murmurs, “ _this to hurt us._ ”

“ _It won’t,_ ” Eren says.

“ _How can you be so sure?_ ”

“ _Because I won’t let it._ ” Eren sighs and ducks his head in a weak attempt to hide the tears that have started to form in his eyes. “ _I don’t want to hurt you._ ” — _I won't hurt someone I love,_ he thinks.

“ _Just because you don’t want to hurt me doesn’t mean that you won’t,_ ” Mikasa says, matter-of-factly. “ _We can't see the future, Eren. We shouldn’t hurt ourselves over some stupid sex flings._ ”

Eren chokes back a sob. “ _I’m not hurting over this._ ” _Lie._ “ _Are you saying that you're hurt?_ ” He’s putting words in her mouth and he knows it.

Mikasa sighs and ducks her own head. She doesn’t answer—doesn’t confirm nor deny—she simply murmurs, “ _do you ever regret it?_ ”

Eren looks up just as Mikasa does too. He knows he shouldn’t lie, but he can’t bear to tell her the heartbreaking truth, so instead, he asks, “ _do_ you _?_ ”

“ _...sometimes,_ ” she says. 

He sucks in a sharp breath. “ _Why? Is the sex not good?_ ”

“ _Of course it’s good. Why else would I come back to you?”_ Mikasa lets out a tiny groan as she turns her head away, suddenly taking interest in the wooden flooring. Eren lowers his gaze to their discarded pile of clothing on the floor and immediately flushes red at the memory of Mikasa practically forcing his pants off.

“ _I think we should stop._ ”

A breath snags in Eren’s throat as he turns to Mikasa, feeling as though something unknown has stripped each and every logical sense from him as pure, raw outrage and hurt surges through his body. Pain sears his throat as though he's just been punched, and he can only _hope_ Mikasa can't see the tears in his eyes. “ _What?_ ” He snaps, suddenly hysteric.

She doesn’t flinch at his tone. “ _You asked me if you think we should stop and this is my answer._ ”

Eren has to refrain from yelling. “ _Then what was_ this _, then?_ ” He asks with that bite of horrific anger worrying his tone as he vaguely flails his arms around, gesturing at the space around them as if to gesture to what they had just done. “ _Was that… what was this just now? What do you think of it?_ ” He can’t hide the fear and panic in his voice and he knows it.

Mikasa gnaws on her bottom lip and inhales slowly, as though mentally preparing herself for what she’s about to say before she eventually whispers, “ _I’ll think of it as a goodbye._ ”

Eren winces and stares at the space between them that has noticeably reduced since they started talking—they’ve been slowly drawing closer together without realizing it, as though their bodies had realized that this might be the last time that they’ll ever be like this before and they just wanted to be as close as possible. But Mikasa must notice how close they’ve gotten because she instantly edges away, scooting towards their pile of discarded clothes and leaving Eren’s heart aching with longing.

“ _This was… nice while it lasted,_ ” Mikasa says, though she grimaces as the word _nice_ rolls off her tongue because they both know that it has been everything but.

He doesn’t protest. “ _You sure you want to do this?_ ” asks Eren warily, watching as Mikasa tugs her clothing back on.

She sighs. “ _I don’t, to be honest,_ ” says Mikasa, and this has a tiny bit of hope flickering to life in the center of Eren’s chest before she completely puts that spark out before it can become a flame as she adds, “ _but it’s for the best._ ”

“ _So… what do you suppose I do?_ ” Eren asks, trying to sound defensive to mask the fear in his throat. “ _What should I think of this as?_ ”

“ _Do what I’m doing._ ” Mikasa turns to Eren after she finishes wrapping that _damned scarf of hers_ around her neck and smiles sadly at Eren, him clad in nothing but his boxers as he remains seated helplessly on the floor. She crouches down so that they're at eye-level and leans forward in which the tip of her nose presses against Eren’s. Onyx eyes flutter shut and Eren allows his emeralds to do the same as he lets the warmth of their close proximity bleed down his spine.

“ _Think of it as a goodbye,_ ” she murmurs with finality, as if this conversation in itself hadn’t already done enough damage. She pulls away reluctantly and rises to her feet, striding towards the door. She leaves without another word said, shutting the door behind her, and Eren lets out a choked sigh when he knocks his head against the wall behind him as a tear slips down his cheek.

And the words _‘think of it as a goodbye’_ run amok through his head—intrusive and mocking and cruel, reminding him of the girl he just lost without ever having.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst? in _my_ horny eremika fic??? it's more likely than you think ;D
> 
> So, I know that I originally put 4 chapters, but I got a bit carried away this chapter with conveying Eren's emotions about his "relationship" with Mikasa so I wrote a bit more than necessary and I am extremely sorry about that ;-; bUT, hey, now there are going to be 5 total chapters instead of 4! And you know what I always say; the more angst the merrier! *violently sobs*


	4. Dissociation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and thus begin the manga spoilers
> 
> (kind of)

~~_Sometimes, it hurts to heal._ ~~

**~**

Heartache consumes Eren for what feels like an eternity.

He lost her. He _lost_ her. Mikasa Ackerman—the girl whose life he saved when they were kids—the girl who has _always_ been there for him—he _lost_ her.

But is it possible to lose what you never had?

  
  
  


Eren wakes up night after night subsequent his and Mikasa’s fallout. He rouses in the middle of his sleep, expecting Mikasa to be beside him on the mattress, but when he turns over to find that the spot beside him is empty, there is nothing but aching and pinning consuming his entire being. There are times during the day when he has a distraction—missions, being a part of the scouting legion, and so forth—but when he retreats to his bed at night, the distractions fleet, and there is nothing but sadness awaiting him at the foot of his bed.

(“ _Something happened between them,”_ Eren hears Jean say to Armin one day, sounding nothing by matter-of-fact. There are telltale bags puffed underneath Eren’s emerald eyes now as if announcing to the whole world that he hasn’t had a good night's sleep in weeks.

 _“What do you mean?”_ asks Armin.

Jean sighs. “ _They’ve been weird. Eren and Mikasa—I mean._ ”

Eren turns to look over at Jean and Armin a few feet away from him. Armin stiffens and looks down. “ _You knew?_ ” asks Armin, telling Eren that, yes, Armin _had_ known about his and Mikasa’s… 

Well, _relationship_ isn’t the right word to use, but you know what he means.

“ _Who didn’t?_ ” Jean scoffs.

Armin shrugs and purses his lips together, thinking for a moment, before he murmurs, “ _they haven’t said anything to me._ ”

Jean hums slowly in thought before saying something in response, but Eren isn’t listening anymore. He forces himself to ignore the conversation ensuing beside him solely because he doesn’t want to be reminded of what _isn’t_ there anymore between him and Mikasa.)

Eren thinks about Mikasa a lot—wonders if she’s fairing any better than him.

She has to be, right?

All she lost was a distraction and occasional, erratic sex.

Every time he sees her now, she seems unperturbed and like her usual self—monotone, nagging him about his health, and so forth. Of course, with the constant exhaustion clouding Eren’s mind, his attention is always divided so it isn't as though he’s analyzing every bit of Mikasa and differentiating between how she seemed before and now, but for the most part, she seems… fine.

Is it bad that he _hates_ that?

One day, during dinner, Eren can barely keep his eyes open. It’s been a week since the scouting legion required new recruits, nearly three since Historia became queen, and Eren acknowledges the fact that there's activity and lively conversation bustling around him, but he can’t find it in himself to tune in.

Beside Eren sits Mikasa, Armin, Connie, Sasha, and Jean. They all seem to be engaged in a conversation, and after Eren’s attempts at trying to include himself in the conversation are proven futile, he decides to give up and focus mainly on staying awake.

Emerald eyes slowly lower to the soup in front of him, and he stares, unfocused on his meal. It takes all of his energy to sit upright and breathe and act like a normal human being, not only because of the constant experiments with Hanji, but also because of his constant mental exhaustion.

He _knows_ this isn’t healthy—all this moping around will eventually take a turn for the worst. But he isn’t exactly _sure_ how he’d get better.

  
  


So he just sits, meandering through the earth, doing his day-to-day tasks, getting by.

  
  


Because now, unlike before, he doesn’t have a distraction from this agony.

* * *

~~_Sometimes, she wonders if she really_ is _healing._ ~~

**~**

Mikasa first notices his absence after a nightmare. Because of fucking _course_ she has a nightmare.

She awakes in a cold sweat, eyes shot as she gasps for breath. Her lungs burn and chest tightens as she desperately continues to gulp air down her throat as though she can’t get enough of it, turning onto her side and gripping tightly onto her scarf around her neck.

 _It was a dream,_ she tells herself. _It was a dream-_

But it comes back to her again, terrorizing her, plaguing her thoughts.

She runs a hand through her ebony locks and bites down _hard_ on her bottom lip, trying to silence her frantic breaths. She reaches out into the darkness, searching for relief from her racing heart, anything to escape her panic, but doesn’t find anything.

And then she remembers it.

She remembers a year ago when this same exact thing had happened—how Eren had lulled her with kisses and the promise of a distraction from her nightmare. She knots her fingers together, trying to mimic the way he held her hand as she came, but it doesn’t feel the same. Her stomach bottoms out as she gulps and shuts her eyes, laying her head down on her pillow as she squeezes her hand tighter.

She forces herself to remember the serenity he would bring. She envisions his face at her side again, in her bed, holding her and shielding her from all the terror in the world, if only just for a moment. She remembers his touch. His hair between her fingers. His body pressed to hers. His heat and her heat—their arousal mixing together.

 _You’re_ my _Mikasa,_ he had told her once. And now, she clings to that statement desperately, tossing it around in her mind, memorizing the shape of each word and enunciation of each vowel more than she already has before. If this doesn’t settle her, _nothing_ will.

(Right?)

But she finds peace in it, somehow—bizarrely. Maybe not because her panic has been alleviated, but because she’s found a momentary distraction. She presses the back of her hand to her lips, remembering the way Eren’s lips would press with hers, and lowers a hand to her trousers, drifting over the waistband the same way Eren liked to tease her at times.

Now, she finds herself resisting the urge to get out of bed, run to where Eren sleeps and take back everything she said by kissing him again.

 _Just one more time won’t hurt,_ she thinks, because she’s become so reliant on this prospect of depending on him for a simple distraction that it’s hard to give it up. _Once more. That’s it,_ she tells herself.

And for a while, she believes it— _just once more_ —but as she sits up in bed, she halts.

Once more.

And then what?

Then again.

And again.

And again and again and again and again and _again-_

“ _Stop it,_ ” she murmurs to herself. She’s being stupid. She can manage without Eren. He always pushed her away—why should she depend on him?

(But then she remembers the way his muscles felt underneath her fingers. Remembers the way he would fill her core and bring her to completion in that perfect way of his—when she’d quake and scream his name as her senses would override with the feeling of an orgasm. She remembers how he’d chant her name as he neared sweet release— _Mikasa, oh Mikasa_. How he’d kiss her sweaty forehead afterward. How delicately he handled her at times.)

“ _Stop. It._ ” She shakes her head. Idiot. Stupid. She’s _fine_ without him.

‘ _Think of it as a goodbye._ ’ The words pop into her mind, unbidden, taunting her, reminding her as though any more recollections were needed. She remembers the last time they had done it—how he had pounded into her so mercilessly. How much it hurt. How much she _liked_ the hurt.

‘ _Think of it as a goodbye._ ’

His hands on her ass, his lips on her stomach.

‘ _Think of it as a goodbye._ ’

Her head between his thighs, her mouth filled with his girth.

‘ _Think of it as a goodbye._ ’

His hands underneath her panties.

‘ _Think of it as a goodbye._ ’

Her hands on his chest.

‘ _Think of it as a goodbye._ ’

His lips—

‘ _Think of it as a goodbye._ ’

—on hers.

Mikasa chokes around a sigh and shakes her head, trying to force those thoughts away, but they remain. Her head sinks further into her pillow, arousal burning underneath her skin at the recollection of what they’d do behind doors. But as quickly as her desire comes, a bitter sadness follows.

“ _It’s really over, huh?_ ” She says out loud—maybe because she’s insane, maybe because feeling the way her vocal cords hum in her throat are helping ground herself. The words come bitterly, not sadly, but disgustingly angry. At her? At Eren? She isn’t _sure_ who she’s angry at.

But what she does know, now, is that it’s over.

As though it’s just now sinking into her brain three weeks later.

_It’s really over._

So she slips a hand underneath her pants, trying to mimic how Eren would touch her as the words, _you’re_ my _Mikasa,_ echo through her mind. 

* * *

~~_He learned to get better._ ~~

~~_Maybe not because he’s healing, but because…_ ~~

**~**

He started to find a coping mechanism. Although, he isn’t sure _when_ he started incorporating it into his life, he eventually acknowledged it, identified it, and even learned to grow comfortable with it.

How to explain what it is—that’s a bit tricky.

It’s a lot of things, really.

But most importantly, it was the numbness.

Not only did it partially shield him from experiencing the despair of losing Mikasa (though one could argue that he never had her in the first place), but also from the reality of everything else. 

Because when **_everything_ ** truly sunk in—the curse inflicted upon him of death within thirteen years because he’s a Titan shifter, the sudden visions he had gotten when he kissed Historia’s hand on the day she was crowned Queen, etcetera—he remembers disassociating himself with everything to cope.

It’s kind of like he was drifting through reality. His body was present—his mind and soul were elsewhere. When viewing the world through a thin veil of grey as he trudges through the days, hours spent doing nothing begin to eat at him because they allowed his mind to wander. But instead of busying himself to keep his mind off of… well, _everything,_ he would simply stare off and drift away.

  
  


Everyone else notices it too.

Eren wonders what it must’ve looked like to them—did it simply seem like he flicked a switch and went from being passionate to impassive, or were they all observing him slowly as his intensity and awareness seemed to chip away. Is it like holding a rose in your hand after plucking it from a bush, watching its pretty petals fall as it withers and dies? Is it like watching as the sun sinks past the mountains in the distance, causing the evening to turn to night as the land consumes with darkness? Did it happen slowly?

Or—is it like watching each and every one of your comrades die at the hands of a Titan on a battlefield? Is it like watching as lightning strikes against the earth without warning?

Or is it like waking up one day and noticing that all the enthusiasm and zeal and bravery that used to burn bright behind emerald eyes is gone, replaced by something alien?

Did it happen quickly?

He doesn’t know, because no one exactly called him out on it.

Levi had mentioned it passively, once, in that strange way he says things. “ _For the entire time I’ve known you,_ ” the older man had said, “ _you always looked like you were so angry because you needed to take a shit. What happened—did you finally get that shit out?_ ”

Eren chortled a bit at Levi’s need to always interpret poop-jokes, but in response simply shrugged and didn’t say anything else.

It happens again when he overhears Sasha and Mikasa. “ _Eren’s been scary lately,_ ” Sasha had said.

“ _How so?_ ” Mikasa asked.

“ _He’s like… he's so_ calm _._ ”

“ _Is him being peaceful such a scary thing?_ ” Mikas asked back, a bit teasingly, a bit seriously, a lot understandingly.

“ _You know what I mean! He’s just… different. You know?_ ”

Mikasa hummed slowly, and Eren was pretty sure that she did know. When their eyes accidentally meet, they hold a wordless stare with each other before both turning away at the same time.

_Stupid. Stop it,_ he told himself as his heart began to race. He forces the numbness to come back—forces himself not to feel anything because it feels safer to do so.

  
  


And it keeps going.

Months pass.

Years.

He gets used to the hollow in his stomach. Grows accustomed to how each beat of his heart against his ribcage feels dull and each pump of blood through his veins feels languid and empty. 

His hair grows out long over the years, but he doesn’t bother to cut it. One morning, after Mikasa’s hair grows out quite long, he greets her only to find that her dark locks are pixie-length.

“ _You cut it._ ” It’s not a question.

She shrugs. “ _You always told me to keep my hair short to reduce the risk of getting into an accident with my gear._ ” She looks at his head of hair after she says that, sensing the irony since Eren had told her to keep her hair short, yet he was starting to keep his hair long.

But she doesn’t say anything, and the conversation ends there with a strange finish, as all of their conversations for the past years have.

  
  


As time goes on, he starts constructing something in his mind—conspiring, scheming, planning. He’s grown numb enough to prepare for his new plan, he thinks, but he only tells himself this because he knows that if he doesn’t pursue it now, he never will.

(Right?)

  
  
  


The azumabitos suggest it first one day— _you guys should visit Marley to gauge what it’s like_ —and somehow, a few weeks later, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Sasha, Connie, Jean, Levi, Hanji, and Onyankopon travel to “the outside world.” On a ship they sail through the sea, the vessel rocking slightly with the waves, the movement forward slow but steady.

Eren stands at the bow of the ship, holding onto the edge of the railing as he stares out to sea.

 _Tomorrow is the day,_ he tells himself—not so much as a reminder, but almost as though if he tells himself enough, it will help prepare him for the inevitable.

_It doesn’t have to be inevitable,_ a voice murmurs in his head. 

_You could stay with the scouting legion—with Mikasa. You don’t have to leave them—you don’t have to leave her._

But he instantly curses that voice away.

 _Don’t be stupid,_ he thinks. _I_ have _to leave._

_No, you don’t. You could stay._

Eren shakes his head and groans. He can’t give in to the voice. He _has_ to leave—to do his mission.

He has to…

_…leave._

(Right?)

Out of the corner of his eye, he spots Mikasa keeping an eye on him as she always does, and he thinks— _knows_ _—_ that if he leaves, he'll need to get a certain type of closure out of ~~what they were~~ (read: _what she thinks of him_ ) first.

_And then I'll be ready to_ _leave,_ he thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did I just spend two months working on a chapter that was only 2k words? Yes, yes I did.
> 
> am I proud of it? No, not at fucking all.
> 
> Hopefully, next chapter will be longer. Mmmmmmaybe the longest out of all of the others so far, but don't hold your breath—I'm not very reliable haha.


	5. Goodbye (for now)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Honey, you’ve got a big storm coming.” —That Lady from That One Meme

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus, the manga spoilers _finally_ begin. Be prepared to get your heart broken (;
> 
> ngl, writing the smut this chapter lowkey made me feel kinda _icky_ just because I knew that it was like... one sided, in a way.

~~_ Just for tonight, he lets himself be selfish _ _. _ _   
_ _ Knowing that tomorrow, he’ll leave _ _. _ ~~

**~**

He supposes that he’s too reliant on this, now. He is too reliant on  _ The Truth _ , as he’s come to call it— _ it’ll be The Confession that’s long-awaited, _ his mind instead supplies.

But then he supposes he doesn’t care.

They visit “ _ the outside world _ ” and with each step he takes, a strange sense of nostalgia comes over him despite this being the first time he’s ever set foot in Marley. He finds himself feeling as though he belongs here, in this unfamiliar area—in  _ enemy _ area. But then he assumes that it’s the memories of his predecessors that’s influencing the way he feels.

As he walks about, viewing the landscape, growing familiar with the formatting of the towns and how the buildings are structured, the memories are still there. He feels as though he’s reminiscing on the collapse of nations and feeling death itself dance on his fingertips—feels as though this place is  _ home _ , as though this is  _ peace  _ and comfort.

But he knows it’s far from it.

“ _ Eren? _ ”

He jerks out of his thoughts and turns to Mikasa—shit, he had zoned out. It’s been happening a lot lately—more than he’d like—and little by little, he finds it harder to root himself in reality.

And something about her voice tells him that this isn’t the first time she’s called for his attention.

“ _ We don’t know what’s in here, so… stay close to me. _ ”

_ I do know what’s here, _ he thinks, in quiet misery.  _ I know, but I don’t at the same time—I’m not  _ me _ , nor am I free. I’m… _

“ _ Eren? _ ”

_ Shit. Stop zoning out, stop zoning out. _

“ _ Yeah, _ ” he begins, trying to seem as though he’s giving her his undivided attention, “ _ yeah… I’ll stay close. _ ”

_ “What are you being so absentminded for, Eren? _ ” Armin cheers, his enthusiasm evident in his voice. “ _ We’re in the outside world!” _ He grins.

Eren looks at his blond friend, watching his blue eyes gleam as though he’s learnt the meaning of life as his excitement dances across his features, and immediately envies his best friend.  _ Excitement. Enthusiasm. Zeal.  _ He used to feel those things, once, right? A while ago—when he wasn’t-

Wait, who is he again?

“ _ Yeah, _ ” he blurts before he’s too far gone—too lost in his own world to respond. “ _ This is the other side of the sea, right? _ ” He attempts to sound as joyous as Armin is, but remembers that he’d see straight through his façade and decides to give up, in the end.

“ _ Oi, _ ” Levi calls, grabbing all of their attention, “ _ don’t wander away from us. Especially you. _ ”

“ _ Right! _ ” Armin cries, still grinning. He starts walking first, Mikasa at his side, and Eren lingers behind for a bit before following in their wake.

He wonders by when they’ll call him out on his change in demeanor.

  
  


They explore—all of them. They wander down random streets, gawk at the people, admire the structure of the city, drool over the food (though mainly Sasha is the one drooling). Meanwhile, Eren hovers behind, every nook and cranny of the town stuffed with memories that aren’t his, but someone else’s.

Right. Who is he, again?

When Sasha finds (another) food stall, she immediately scrambles towards it as she fishes out her wallet. Everyone joins her, save for Eren who takes a step back and leans against a railing, looking out to sea.

“ _ Eren, _ ” Mikasa says, pulling him back to reality once again. He turns to find her approaching him with a tiny, giddy-like smile on her face as she holds something. “ _ You should eat some too. _ ”

He peers down at what she holds. “ _ Ice cream, huh. _ ” He immediately recognizes it— _ no, not me, I’m not me, I’m… _

“ _ You know about it? _ ” Mikasa asks him.

“ _ I saw it in my old man’s memories, _ ” he admits, sheepish for a reason he can’t fathom—doesn’t  _ want _ to fathom. “ _ Eldian’s from the internment zone could rarely eat it, though. _ ”

She gives him a curious look as she offers him a cone.

“ _ Even though the world is so vast, _ ” he exhales absently, taking the offering. A lick from the frozen treat tells him, indeed, that it is sweet as his father’s memories had depicted it as. On his tongue, the taste borders on being completely foreign yet delicious to completely familiar and nostalgic. He hates it.

“ _ Oi, this ain’t your wallet. _ ”

Eren looks up just as Mikasa does, immediately spotting Levi in the crowd, holding up a boy's arm as the child grabs a cloth sack tied off with a string at the end, filled with money. Instantly, terror and guilt floods the younging’s features.

“ _ A pickpocket! _ ” A man cries, sounding nothing but affronted.

“ _ Must be an immigrant from an enemy nation, _ ” another says with a sigh.

They crowd around him, a throng of grown people surrounding the boy as they look upon him with disgust and contempt.

“ _ How did you get here? _ ” A man asks the child, to which the boy doesn’t respond to.

“ _ Doesn’t seem like he understands, _ ” another claims.

“ _ He probably slipped onto the boat. _ ”

“ _ How about we throw him overboard? _ ”

“ _ Nah, _ ” another scoff-laughs, “ _ let’s smash his right hand. _ ”

“ _ Let’s have him hanged somewhere on the streets for everyone to see. The number of petty thieves will surely go down. _ ”

“ _ H-Hey! _ ” Sasha begins horrifically as she grabs onto one of the men’s shoulders. “ _ That’s overdoing it! My wallet is fine—! _ ”

“ _ That’s not up to you to decide, young lady, _ ” he grunts, shoving her off him. 

“ _ We must have a severe punishment to set an example, _ ” another man says. “ _ It concerns us, who live and do business here. _ ”

They go on to make accusations, spouting derivatives in disgust, and Eren watches with an oddly blank, hollow feeling in his stomach. He’s witnessed the harshness of this country through previous memories—felt his father’s terror and trauma from it as though it were his own—but still, having seen it shouldn’t make him this accustomed to it. However, despite knowing that he should be maybe a  _ bit _ fearful if not horrified, he remains disassociated—detached—drifting from reality.

He is…

Eren Jeager.

Right?

“ _ Hey, what are you doing? _ ” One of the men asks, and Eren watches as Levi scoops the young boy up and tucks him underneath his arm as though he were a purse.

“ _ Who said it was a pickpocket? This wallet belongs to his sister, _ ” Levi supplies in that deadly monotone voice of his, nodding back to Sasha.

“ _ Yeah! _ ” Hanji jumps in, surprisingly being the only one who can (somewhat) maintain her composure. “ _ We’re a complicated family! _ ”

“ _ Yup, _ ” Sasha immediately blurts. “ _ I-I’m sorry my little brother caused trouble, _ ” she stammers.

“ _ Wha- Hey! Don’t screw with us—! _ ” One of the men says, just as Levi, underneath his breath, mutters, “ **_run_ ** _ , _ ” to which everyone responds by following after him.

  
  
  


They escape, thankfully. In the end, the boy still somehow manages to end up with someone else’s wallet in his possession, but Levi simply shrugs and says, “well, it was just pocket money anyways.”

They continue to explore until evening, and it’s during sunset when they make it back to the camp that they and the Azumabitos have been staying in. Eren watches as everyone floods inside one of the tents, but he lingers behind, his heart weighing heavily in his chest. His brain is filled with static. His throat is dry. His eyes are unfocused. He is… Eren Jeager.

(Right?)

He hears distant chatter and turns to see the young boy from earlier that day speaking with an older man and a boy that looks to be younger than him. Typically, he would be unable to recognize the foreign tongue they speak in, but the other people who dwell inside of him—the previous predecessors—recognize it instantly. He hates the feeling in his gut—the nauseating amalgam of familiarity, confusion, and alienation churning in his stomach.

He hates this feeling—hates being so empty.

He…

hates this...

Right.

Who is he again?

_ Eren Jeager. Don’t lose yourself. _

He hates—

“ _ Eren. _ ”

Mikasa.

He tears up a bit—maybe at the sight of the helpless boy and father in front of him with the unbidden memories they trigger of what he was 9 and had lost it all, or maybe at the sound of Mikasa’s voice behind him.

“ _ Don’t you know that you’re the enemies prime target? Everybody’s been searching for you, _ ” she says, and he hears her footfalls come to a staggered stop behind him. “ _ You… shouldn’t wander. _ ”

He notices the falter in her voice. Reaching up with his arm, he quickly scrubs his tears away as she finally comes to stand beside him.

They stare, for a long moment, at the tents in front of them.

“ _ It’s that boy from the market, _ ” she says, her grey eyes focusing on the child who stands beside his father, smiling and waving at them. “ _ Did something happen? _ ”

Eren shakes his head briskly. “ _ Not yet, _ ” he blurts.

She blinks, her gaze averting the boy and his father to instead settle on him. Eren watches her regard him from his peripherals, but doesn’t turn to face her.

“ _ What do you mean? _ ” She asks, voice wavering with uncertainty. “ _ This is…? _ ”

“ _ This is where those who lost their homes to the war are living, _ ” he murmurs. “ _ Just as we were. One day, our lives suddenly ended, and everything was stolen from us. _ ” Saying this brings memories to his mind of when Wall Maria was breached, and he feels his eyes sting with tears yet again. He blinks them away. His throat aches as though he’s been punched, and his gut twists nauseatingly in his stomach.

“ _ All of our freedom, _ ” his voice wavers, “ _ was stolen from us. _ ”

He remembers the fire. Remembers the crushed homes, his mother’s screams, the sight of blood falling from the sky as though it were raining blood. He remembers how he had been teared away from his mother, how she had been left to die. He remembers how weak he had been—how weak he  _ is _ . How, if he had been a bit stronger, maybe he would have been able to get his mother out, maybe she would still be alive to this day, maybe he and his mother and Mikasa—

His rampant thoughts come to a halt.

And Mikasa.

Mikasa.

He remembers her tears. Remembers the way she had tried desperately with him to try to remove the fallen debris from his mother’s body. Remembers how they never gave up. Remembers how she always cares for him, as though trying to fill in the motherly care that had been torn from him. How she’d hold him. How he’d hold her. How their bodies joined together as though they were born soulmates. How much she cares about him. How much she cares about him. How much she—

His heart leaps.

For the first time in what feels like and what may, in fact, be years, his heart leaps.

“ _ Mikasa, _ ” he begins, because he is so broken, and desperate, and  _ tired, _ that he needs to speak to her. “ _ Why do you… concern yourself so much with me? _ ”

His heart throbs as it beats against his ribcage. His eyes sting again. His defenses are slowly melting away.

“ _ Huh? _ ” She asks, truly aghast and shocked.

He turns to her, finally, after all this time, and the sight of her flustered face brings such aching to his heart that he finds himself truly grimacing. “ _ Is it because I saved you as a child? _ ” He wonders if she can hear his pain and true yearning bleeding into his voice. “ _ Or is it… because I’m family? _ ”

_ Or is it because I was once your solace and you were once my distraction from this hellish world? _ he doesn’t say.

He wonders if she can feel the heavy weight of their broken relationship lingering in the atmosphere between them. He wonders if she is reminiscing on those nights too—when they clung to each other as though they’d fall off the face of the earth if they hadn’t.

But he is in so much pain—he is so tired of dissociating—and he is getting addicted—he’s finally allowing himself to feel emotions after all these years and now it’s already become intoxicating in such an agonizing way. Love is magical. Love is amazing. Love is glorious.

But it is so painful, and exhausting.

“ _ What am I… to you? _ ” He asks, desperation filling his lungs as yearning drips from each word rolling off his tongue. And there it is. That’s the question; the one he  _ yearns _ for an answer to. Her response will be  _ The Truth—the confession that’s long awaited. _

He watches as her muted blue eyes flit down to the floor for a second, but when they rise up to meet his emeralds again, her bottom lashes are thick with tears and her eyes gleam with such pining it’s almost lethal.

There is a barrier between them, now.

And perhaps the only thing that will break it will be her choice of words.

And so Eren listens and stands in wait for her response, each angry beat of his heart reverberating throughout his body and each twist of his stomach making him more dreadfully aware of how ridiculously lovesick he is.

And that’s because it was—no, it  _ is _ always her who manages to make him feel the least bit human again. Even after he has crushed innocent people underneath his feet, even after being betrayed by who was once his own comrades, it was always her who manages to always be there. No matter how far in his own head he goes or how lost he becomes in the other voices of predecessors in his mind, Mikasa is always there, reaching for his hand, pulling him back into reality. 

The weight of his words must fall heavy on her shoulders, because he has rendered her completely speechless. Cheeks pink petaled and eyes glossed over with tears, her mouth moves wordlessly around unspoken statements as though she’s forgotten how to speak. His own cheeks burn warmer, impatient and  _ desperate _ , and as he watches her finally speak, his heart stops for a second.

“ _ You’re… _ ” she begins, countless answers seeming to linger her tongue, indecision playing around on her face almost as though she were trying to find the right response. She hesitates, again, and in that time, Eren’s mind is blank. But, then, finally, after what feels like an eternity; “ _ you're… famil— _ “ But because her voice is so shaken but his sudden assertion, her words cut short, and the silence that follows is so jarring that Eren stops breathing.

For a moment, for just a moment, it is only the two of them in the world, and he wonders if she feels it too—as though in the grand scheme of things, nothing else is here but Eren and Mikasa, standing in this foreign land in the dead of the night. Nothing else is here because nothing else matters. Nothing. Nothing but  _ them _ .

“ _ Why? _ ” He gasps, unintentionally, and when he says this, the world screeches back to him.  _ Why am I just… family, in her eyes? _

The moonlight shines bright in her face, accentuating the curve of her brows and tremble of her pretty, pink lips that he’s felt against his own so many times before.

He swallows thickly, and then, in a hoarse voice, rasps out again, “ _ wh-why? _ ”

She blinks, her tears thickening, and he fears that they might spill over. “ _ I— _ “ But she is, yet again, at a loss for words.

“ _ Shit, _ ” he gasps, as though it’s just now sinking into his brain what he had just  _ done _ to her. She looks so vulnerable, now. More vulnerable than she ever has been between his naked body and the duvet. More vulnerable than she ever has looked like, even on the last time they had done it, so many years ago. “ _ I shouldn’t have asked you that, I— _ “

“ _ Eren, _ ” finally, her voice is firm, returning to its casually, steady state. Though still, he senses an underlying fluster in her tone. “ _ I don’t… know why. _ ” She holds her breath for a moment before asking her own question; “ _ but why ask me this, now? _ ”

_ Because I’m going to leave, and I want you to continue fighting. _

“ _ I don’t know, _ ” he blurts, lying. “ _ But tell me… at least, that you’ll continue to fight, no matter what. _ ”

She blinks curiously at him, now. “ _ Huh? _ ”

“ _ Promise me, Mika. _ ” He is in  _ so much pain _ .

“ _ But why— _ “

“ _ Mikasa, _ ” he grunts, gritting his teeth together in frustration. “ _ It’s… it’s what I want, for you. Please, promise me you’ll keep fighting. _ ”

“ _ Why? _ ” She worries her bottom lip. 

_ Because I have to go. _

“ _...will you? _ ” His voice cracks. 

She doesn’t answer. Maybe because it is too heavy for her to respond to such a question. Maybe because he already knows the answer, deep down. But the atmosphere is fragile, now, the silence so delicate that they don’t even breath scared that they might shatter something.

But then Eren is slightly jostled aside as a man with a tray laden with wines approaches, speaking in a foreign tongue to them. 

“ _ What’s this? _ ” Mikasa asks, still slightly shaken by their conversation if the crack in her voice is any indication.

“ _ Looks like he’s trying to make us feel welcomed, _ ” Eren replies, just as—

“ _ Hey! _ ”

He and Mikasa both turn around. 

“ _ What the hell are you doing, Eren?! _ ” Jean cries, approaching with Sasha, Connie, and Armin in tow.

“ _ Are you an idiot?! _ ” Connie yells.

Eren swallows thickly, whatever atmosphere that might have been set between him and Mikasa shattering into a million pieces by this interruption. “ _ Perfect timing, _ ” he mutters. He lets the same hollow settle in his stomach, forcefully subduing his feelings, letting the cold numbness wrap around his throat as he embraces being welcomed into the land of unfeeling.

He is, once again, the husk of a man whom he once was, with his mind and body detached from one another almost as though someone had ripped them apart.

*****

They drink copiously that night. The foreign man had invited them into one of the tents, offering them his wine, and Eren drinks like there is no tomorrow.  _ Maybe there is no tomorrow.  _

Sasha is the first to get drunk, followed by Jean, then Connie, then Armin, then Mikasa, but Eren isn’t exactly… sure if the feeling in his veins is drunkenness or despair. Soon enough, he decides it doesn’t matter.

Each gulp of wine burns his throat in such an addicting way down, and his limbs feel floaty, in a way, mind free of inhibitions and words slurred by his lack of sobriety. His cheeks burn from the alcohol, and watching Mikasa smile as she sips makes his stomach twist.

Sasha does something utterly ridiculous with Connie, both Jean and Armin doubling over in drunken laughter, and Mikasa observes them from afar with a fond smile across her lips. Eren wants so desperately to go up to her, whisper everything (and by everything, he means  _ everything _ ) in her ears, and just apologize.

Apologize.

Apologize?

For what?

For everything.

_ When one is feeling so much dread and sorrow and regret, the only thing they can do is apologize. _

The walls of his throat tighten around each gulp of wine, and his tongue feels tacky in his mouth, sticky with wine yet dry as though he slept with his mouth open. His head starts to spin, both from his inebriation and exhaustion. He’s fucking  _ tired _ .

Momentarily, he draws himself back to reality, tuning in to the world for just a moment. Hearing the last bit of something outrageous said by Connie reminds him of his cadet days, and when he peers over at Armin and Mikasa, sitting side by side, he can tell that they must’ve been thrown back into the past as well. He feels both nostalgic… and alienated.

He’s had enough of this.

Eren rises up from where he sits on the floor, everyone else either too drunk or too captivated by whatever is being said by Connie to notice his abrupt departure. Stepping past the tent, he stands in the open field once again, letting the breeze curl around him and mind float freely.

He is… going to leave.

And he is, whether he’d like to admit it or not, going to miss this.

He is…

“ _ Eren. _ ”

He stiffens at her voice.  _ Again _ . She found him,  _ again _ . Something hot and fiery bubbles underneath his skin, something akin to desire and remorse, but also something akin to frustration and resentment. He turns to find Mikasa, face flushed red by the alcohol, her body positively buzzing from the atmosphere, a lackadaisical smile tugging at her perfect, pink lips.

She’s drunk. Figures.

“ _ You’re— _ “ she hiccups, “ _ you should be inside. _ ”

She’s  _ adorable _ .

Eren smiles because it hurts.

“ _ So should you, _ ” he says. His voice feels distant, and he doesn’t hear himself say these worlds, but instead only feels the vibration of his vocal cords in his throat.

She takes a step forward, tripping over herself a bit, before standing by his side again.

“ _ Why did you… _ ” her words are slurred. “ _ Why did you ask me that question? _ ”

The inquiry digs straight into Eren’s heart. She’s drunk. She has no inhibitions. Therefore, Mikasa may talk and act as though there are no consequences awaiting her.

But she is surely mistaken.

“ _ I was… curious, _ ” he admits. It’s a partial truth.

“Just  _ curious _ ?” She asks.

He nods. “ _ Yeah. _ ”

“ _ You sure it doesn’t have anything to do with… our past, together? _ ” She asks. Eren bristles, turning to her just as she turns to him. Their eyes lock, and the blush on his cheek reddens from more than the alcohol. He wasn’t expecting her to be so  _ blunt _ about it.

“ _ What makes you think that? _ ”

“ _ It’s on your mind, _ ” she says, matter-of-factly like she knows.

“ _ How do you know? _ ”

“ _ Because, _ ” she takes an unsteady step forward, “ _ I  _ know _ you, Eren. I’m always watching you. _ ”

Eren blinks. “ _ You—? _ ”

“ _ Did you ever hate it? _ ” She asks. She steps forward again, the gap between them steadily closing. “ _ Did you ever resent me? Did you even regret it being  _ me _? _ ”

Eren blanches, slowly losing control. “ _ I— _ “

“ _ I can’t always tell, _ ” she cuts him off again. “ _ Sometimes you hid it too well, or my fluster blinded me. But tell me, honestly, Eren, _ ” the gap between them is closed now, with Mikasa’s hands on his chest and her face inches from his. “ _ Did you ever regret it? _ ”

He can’t find his words. His composure and resolve that had been teetering on shattering the minute she stepped outside snaps in the blink of an eye as he ducks forward and, finally, connects their lips.

It is familiar, even though it has been so long. And it is, not unlike how it had been before,  _ intoxicating _ .

Mikasa moans, long and desperate into his mouth like she’s been waiting for this for years. Her hands slip from his chest, wrapping around his neck, pulling him closer, and Eren has to forcefully pull himself from his daze to break the kiss lest they begin groping each other in public.

They share a dazed look, and Eren gives her a pathetic look, as though he’s trying to ask,  _ do you get it now, Mikasa? Do you understand? _

Thankfully, she seems to.

“ _ Too long, _ ” she shakes her head, nuzzling into his chest, tears clinging to her bottom lashes. “Way _ too long. _ ”

Eren gulps, his borders slowly crumbling to the ground, a fire burning deep within his core burning hotter the longer they stay latched together. “ _ Y-Yeah, _ ” he croaks out, “ _ it’s been too long. _ ”

She pulls away from his chest. They share another look, somehow between both being understanding and confused, before Eren finally takes initiative and grabs her hand.

Leading Mikasa into one of the spare tents, Eren closes the opening to the tent just as Mikasa places her hand between his shoulder blades. She knocks her forehead against his back, and Eren feels himself go rigid, unable to contain the desire licking through his system.

“ _ You’ve changed, _ ” she murmurs.

Eren cocks a brow, but upon remembering that she can’t see his face because his back is turned to her, he parts his lips and asks, “ _ how so? _ ”

She sighs. “ _ I can’t describe it. But you just… _ ” she shakes her head against his back. “ _ Are you still there, Eren? _ ”

Eren stiffens again, his muscles tensing and his mind filling with static.  _ Am I still here? _

“ _ What are you talking about? _ ” He exhales, trying to chortle though it comes out shaky and forced. “ _ Of course I’m here. _ ”

(Right?)

He finally turns, though the lack of lighting doesn’t help him when he tries to peer at Mikasa’s expression. She looks up and when their eyes lock, he spots the uncertainty dancing to life behind her grey irises. But instead of pressing on, she instead wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him down for a kiss. Unresisting, Eren’s lips meet hers just as his hands find her waist, guiding her further into the vacant tent.

Mikasa trips over her own feet and their lips separate as she falls to the ground. Eren cushions her head with his hand, cupping it and making sure she doesn’t hurt herself even as he nearly lands atop her. Panting, Mikasa quickly recovers from the fall, opening her eyes and meeting his concerned gaze.

And then she smiles. Lips quivering and cheeks dusted red, she smiles up at him.

Eren ducks forward and kisses her again, quickly growing addicted to the way her plump lips dance in sync with his. He’s thrown back into the past, when they were 15, the last time they had done this, and his heart clenches painfully in his chest.

Mikasa’s hands slip underneath Eren’s shirt, groping at the tan skin she finds beneath his clothing, and although her hands are cold and calloused, Eren’s stomach is filled with heat at her touch. He shivers against her, his lips departing hers and trailing down her neck, sucking and biting at her exposed skin.

“ _ N-No marks, _ ” Mikasa manages to gasp.

Eren makes a noise that signifies his solidarity. Mikasa’s hands grip the ends of his shirt, desperately trying to pull it off, though it only manages to come off when Eren separates from her to remove it. Mikasa shucks her cardigan and shirt off as Eren’s lips find hers again, his hands ghosting up the sides of her ribs.

Trying desperately to stuff away the feeling of numbness that typically encompasses him day by day, Eren rocks his hips forward, his groin meeting Mikasa’s through their layers of clothing. He groans at the friction against his member, Mikasa moaning and shivering at the contact before she pulls her skirt down and kicks her lower clothing away. 

Eren takes advantage of her lack of apparel by guiding his hands over her exposed thighs, her body tensing underneath his touch as he cautiously trails his hands up to her precious heat.

The dark void in his stomach that had once consumed his heart dissipates for this night and this night only, allowing Eren to  _ feel _ and  _ cherish _ Mikasa, even if this is for the last time. His hand drifts over her clothed heat, leaving Mikasa whining as she lifts her hips and tries to meet his hand, craving contact. 

Unwilling to hold himself back from what he’s lost in the past years, Eren gives her what she’s been nonverbally begging forward, allowing his hand to slip underneath her panties and feel the part of her he had once known so well almost as if she were his.

( _ But she never was mine, _ he thinks miserably.  _ Never was, and never will be. _ )

“ _ Eren, _ ” Mikasa whines, her eyes peering up at him. “ _ Please. _ ”

It’s that final word which makes him slip a finger into her. Mikasa keens, loud and unbridled as his thumb finds her clit, gripping tightly onto that red scarf of hers as Eren’s mouth finds hers to dampen her noises lest some poor, innocent passersby hear them. Scissoring his fingers in and out of her languidly, letting her get adjusted, Eren waits until Mikasa starts to whine into his mouth before he adds a second digit.

“ _ P-Please—oh,  _ yes _ , _ ” Mikasa sobs into his mouth. “ _ Th-There! _ ” She instructs when he curls his finger and hits the spot which makes her shiver. Eren drinks up the sound of her precious moans and the image of her shivering around his fingers, storing them into the back of his mind.  _ So long, _ he thinks.  _ It’s been so long, yet she acts exactly as I remember. _

He thumbs her swollen clit as he trails his lips down down  _ down _ once again, kissing between the valley of her breasts before sucking on the pink bud in the center of her right tit. She cries out, fingers tightening around the fabric of her red scarf as she begins to shiver uncontrollably.

“ _ Closecloseclose— _ ” she mewls in that way of hers, her voice making arousal burn hot in Eren’s stomach. She grabs the wrist of his hand inside of her, stilling the appendage as she rides his fingers until her climax comes crashing down. She shudders with a loud and drawled out moan escaping her, her body riding through the orgasm until it leaves her panting and sweaty.

Slowly, she peels her eyelids open one by one, meeting Eren’s gaze with a dazed one. “ _ I’ve missed this, _ ” she exhales quietly.

Eren swallows thickly in a futile attempt at clearing the lump in his throat. “ _ I’ve missed you, _ ” he murmurs under his breath.

She doesn’t hear him.

Extracting his fingers out of her, Mikasa holds her breath as she’s slowly emptied. She exhales when he’s done, the lust in her eyes having not yet completely dissipated by just one climax.

“ _ More, _ ” she murmurs. “ _ Let’s keep going. _ ”

But he shouldn’t—he  _ knows _ he shouldn’t. He’s already gone this far and he’s not sure if he’ll return if they go further. But because it is Mikasa, he has no restraint. For the past four years, he has been asleep. But just now, she has woken him up.

_ Fuck it. _ It’s just for tonight anyways, right?

“ _ Eren? _ ” Mikasa calls when Eren doesn’t move.

Quickly jumping back into action, Eren captures her lips between his own, slipping a tongue forward and familiarizing himself with the warm expanse of her mouth. He’s quick to undo his belt, though he cautiously pulls down his pants, careful not to abrasively shove his pants over his aching erection.

He’s so hard it  _ hurts _ .

Mikasa pulls herself up and pushes Eren onto his back, sitting up and wrapping a hand over his cock, making him groan at the contact as Mikasa strokes him until he’s slicked up. And then finally, after so long,  Mikasa climbs onto Eren’s lap and spreads her thighs apart, positioning herself right over the hot member waiting for her to swallow it up between her love-slicked walls .

She sinks down over him slowly, allowing herself to adjust, and Eren has to physically refrain from thrusting up into her. Mikasa moans as he slowly fills her up, inch by inch, until she reaches his hilt and has to pause to catch her breath. The feeling of her wet walls encasing his dick is familiar and yet so new, Eren is nearly sent over the edge right then and there.

“ _ D-Don’t—hah—don’t go fast. Might hurt yourself, _ ” Eren instructs. She nods slowly, leaning forward with her hands finding her scarf again as she slowly rolls her hips against his. The slow shift of movement is enough to make Eren groan as she cries out, her hands leaving her scarf to instead seek out Eren’s hand before threading her fingers through it.

It is both the familiarity and pleasure that slowly breaks down the dam in Eren’s chest. The cold emptiness fleets, something warm and heady filling him up with remembrance of what once was. With Mikasa slowly riding his dick, the recollections of who he was and how much she means to him comes to him like a powerful wave, washing him away from the numbness and drowning him underneath affection.

He wonders, for a moment—for a hopeful and desperate moment—if he should just stay. Forget his plans of genocide and stuff them down as if they never existed, letting himself live happily with Mikasa and Armin and the rest. And it is in that moment when he makes the revelation that punches him straight in the gut and makes him lose all sense of meaning;

_ I love this girl. _

But then the voices come.

_ Eren Jeager. Don’t lose yourself. _

He grunts, shoving them away, forgetting them just for tonight, because he knows that it is just for tonight when he’ll have this. And so he sits up, making Mikasa cry out in surprise as he pushes her onto her back and thrusts into her. She moans loudly at the abruptness of his actions, but doesn’t protest and instead wraps her legs around his waist.

“ _ Yes! _ ” She cries, oblivious to Eren’s inner turmoil as she sobs for more. Eren obliges, roughly rutting his hips up and ramming himself into her, the mounting pleasure being enough to force his feelings away. 

Mikasa begs and moans and mewls as she nears sweet release, the slight fatigue from her first climax being enough to dictate that she won’t last long. Her arms wrap around his back as her nails dig into his skin, leaving marks to remember as he keeps hitting the spot which makes her shudder with need.

They kiss again, lust bleeding into the action as Eren groans, low and soft into her mouth. When they separate, Mikasa’s face is flushed a hot red, pinker than the wine earlier had left her, and tears begin to form in Eren’s eyes at the sight of her. Bodies pressed closed, arousal thrums in Eren’s veins as Mikasa smiles weakly up at him. Tears cling to his lower lashes as he pounds into her one last time before she cries out and comes.

Body convulsing and quivering with her crashing pleasure, Mikasa keens as tears form in the corners of her eyes. Her walls clamp down around him and with that, Eren finds his release, slipping out of her in the last moment before spilling onto her milky torso. He pumps himself with his fist, milking out whatever remains until he’s spent.

And when his pleasure departs and his sense comes back to him, so do the thoughts. Following his climax creeps a bitter sadness that settles heavily in his heart.

Rolling over as to not collapse atop her, Eren lays down on his side and drapes an arm over his eyes. Tears slip, one by one by one from his emerald irises, melancholy kicking him hard in the stomach just as realization comes over him.

_ Fuck. _

_ I’m in love with Mikasa. _

He sniffles and quickly wipes his tears away. Mikasa, who is finally gathering her scattered bearings, turns onto her side to face him, unaware of his pain.

“ _ Thank you, _ ” she whispers.

Eren worries his bottom lip between his teeth, holds his breath, and then doesn’t respond.  _ I’m sorry, _ he doesn’t say. He finds himself thankful it’s dark.

“ _ Should we go back? _ ” Mikasa asks quietly.

Eren hesitates. “ _ Do you want to? _ ”

Mikasa stays quiet for a moment before murmuring, “ _ not yet. _ ”

“ _ Okay, _ ” Eren responds, and that’s that. Mikasa’s eyelids slowly flutter shut as she nuzzles closer to him, finding solace by his side, and Eren hesitantly wraps an arm around her as they settle together before letting his own eyes flutter shut.

Being by her side, ironically, makes the thoughts of reluctance come back. But he kicks them away, stuffing them down as he lets himself find comfort beside her.

  
  
  


(Mikasa falls asleep in his arms, the alcohol and exhaustion finally getting to her and sweeping her away into the land of peaceful slumber. Eren stays awake to clean her up, putting both his and her clothes back on before carrying her out of the tent. She groans softly when he lifts her up, nuzzling close into his chest, and Eren looks at her just as he lets the numbness return.

He takes them both back to the tent where the others are at, laying her down before settling down next to both her and Armin. Just as he finally finds sleep, the cold, distant feeling returns. And so as he drifts into the land of slumber, he lets himself go and returns to that land of cold numbness.)

  
  
  


(The next day, he finds himself leaving without looking back.)

* * *

~~_ “Everyone says Eren has changed. I thought the same thing. But maybe that was wrong. Eren has never changed from the start. If this was Eren’s true form… I wonder what side of Eren I had been seeing.” — Mikasa Ackerman, chapter 123 _ ~~

**~**

“ _ You want to  _ speak _ with me? _ ”

She sounds as incredulous and offended as she feels.

When he had first come here, she thought he was simply going to pick something up from the infirmary. But then Eren had lingered by the doorway, leaning against the frame, openly staring at her with no intention of entering the room.

He was the one who sent her here, anyways—her, and Armin. Not even ten minutes ago, he had ripped her heart to shreds, telling her that he harbored nothing but hatred for her. And then he had  _ fought Armin _ —his best friend since childhood, someone he’s known longer than he’s even known her.

On the way over to the cell he would be taking them to with his  _ new allies _ , The Yeagerist, by his side, Eren had told the a few of them to take her and Armin to the infirmary—‘ _ to patch Armin up,’ _ Eren had claimed—which leaves her mind spinning with confusion.

She turns to Eren, now, Armin’s blood still staining her fingertips in spite of her efforts to scrub it off. She dares not to look down at her hands, afraid that she’ll only be met with the sight of a reminder of what had just happened.

“ _ Yeah, _ ” he says, giving a brisk nod, answering her previous statement which had sounded more like a question. “ _ I want to speak with you, _ ” he reiterates, deadly monotonous. He looks far off; his mind is elsewhere but he’s  _ talking _ to her. 

Actually.

Eren Jeager is trying to initiate conversation with Mikasa Ackerman.

It feels foreign, even though it shouldn’t. She had once always tried to speak with him—to get his attention—but here, it feels… different. For the first time  _ ever _ , she can’t say she’s necessarily happy to see him.

How could she?

When he had just called her a slave, spouting his disdain towards her with a disgusted expression. It was at that moment, at the table, when Mikasa realized that she couldn’t see  _ her _ Eren. She couldn’t even see their old relationship that they used to have for each other, either.

Eren Jeager.

‘ _ Are you still there, Eren?’ _ She remembers she had asked him the day before he left—the night they held each other again like they once used to.

‘ _ What are you talking about?’ _ He had scoffed.  _ ‘Of course I’m here.’ _

But now, she recalls that moment and wonders if he was lying.

“ _ You want, _ ” she begins, unable to keep her voice steady, “ _ to  _ **_speak_ ** _ with me? _ ” She finds herself asking again.

He sighs heavily and ducks his head, still leaning against that  _ damn _ door frame, and Mikasa fears she upset him. She fears that, when he meets her gaze again, she’ll be greeted with an expression of frustration. But when he does lift his head, his expression is normal—unperturbed.

(The old Eren wouldn’t have been like that, she knows. The old Eren is hotheaded and short tempered, and at Mikasa repeating her question, he may just have gotten irritated. But this Eren… is neutral. This Eren always seems to be so indifferent and impassive. 

She never thought she’d ever miss Eren getting frustrated with her before.)

“ _ Sorry, _ ” Mikasa blurts, unable to keep the  _ hurt _ out of her tone. “ _ But our last conversation, not even ten minutes ago, ended in tears and a fist fight. Forgive me for being wary, _ ” she snaps.

Eren clicks his tongue, flinching at the mention of their previous conversation as though it’s a sensitive topic to him. Mikasa is unable to keep her expression from shifting into one of incredulity at this.

“ _ Well, _ ” he begins gruffly, “ _ I want to speak with you. _ ”

She cocks a brow, the gesture being enough of a question by itself.

“ _ About… us, _ ” he decides to clarify.

This hits a sensitive spot in Mikasa, making her physically react by unsuccessfully stifling an intake of sharp breath which instead results in her making this choked-gasp kind of noise. She turns away and tries to stuff away the bitter sadness that creeps in with the mention of  _ them _ .

_ Of us. _

“ _ There’s nothing to talk about, _ ” she grinds out as evenly as she can manage. “ _ I have nothing to say to you. _ ” Even now, with her back turned, she knows he still holds that distant expression in spite of her struggling to suppress her turmoil. 

“ _ I think you do have something to say to me, _ ” he quips, in that disgustingly antagonizing tone of his that makes Mikasa feel as though  _ she’s  _ done something wrong. 

She inhales slowly, trying to rearrange herself before turning to him, reflecting his blank expression. “ _ Fine, _ ” she sighs. “ _ I  _ do  _ have something to say. _ ”

He shifts, nodding once as if urging her to go on.

“ _ But I'm not comfortable discussing it with  _ you _. _ ”

He sighs, irritation bleeding into his posture. He starts to do that thing where he scrunches up his nose as his frustration slowly builds. “ _ Okay, I’ll elaborate on this one more time, _ ” he says. “ _ I want to speak with you because I don’t like how we settle things between us, all that time ago. _ ”

Mikasa goes fucking  _ rigid _ . “ _ Between us- _ “ she echoes before choking on her own words. She looks at him, unable to keep the disbelief off her expression.  _ I want to slap him, _ she thinks irritatedly, just as another unwelcome thought of  _ I want to kiss him _ prods through her mind.

“ _ I’m sorry, but forgive me for being fucking  _ **_wary_ ** _ about the fact that the boy I used to sleep with only, supposedly, harbors hatred for me, _ ” she snaps, unable to keep the venom out of her tone.

He inhales sharply, parting his lips to speak, but Mikasa doesn’t let him finish. “ _ Eren, you aren’t fooling anyone. You’ve had me between your sheets before—I  _ know _ you. Don’t try to come at me with this bullshit, saying that you’ve always  _ hated _ me. _ ” She chokes a bit as she nears the end of her sentence, her body trembling now as if it can’t contain her own emotions. “ _ Tell me it isn’t true—tell me you don’t actually hate me. _ ”

He ducks his head. Mikasa curses herself—she sounded too desperate. She had tried to sound powerful and demanding, but her voice all but held courage as it instead trembled with each word that left her. The slight chance— _ slight fucking chance _ —of him  _ actually _ hating her shakes her confidence, making her brave exterior crack and expose a vulnerable girl instead.

_ He can see right through me, _ she realizes. And so she waits for him to call her out of her façade—she holds her breath and, in spite of herself, waits for him to repeat that he hates her. In spite of what she truly wants, she awaits the negative.

After a few agonizing seconds of silence, he finally speaks. “ _ I’m trying to make things perfect, _ ” he replies, but—no—he isn’t repeating that he hates Mikasa. Nor is he denying it, but—still—he’s just completely glossing over her claim. “ _ I’m trying to bring something home to the people of Paradis. You seem to just keep getting in my way. _ ”

She wants to scream. She wants to cry. But she doesn’t.

“ _ Eren, I am trying to make things perfect  _ here _ , _ ” she snaps, her desperation bleeding into her tone. “ _ Don’t make it seem like you’re the only one putting in effort. _ ”

He shakes his head jerkily as if she’s said something that upset him. “ _ That’s not—I wasn’t implying that you weren’t doing anything. I just- _ “

“ _ Just  _ **_what_ ** _? _ ” She nearly shrieks. She is falling apart at the seams. Armin is waiting for her, and if she doesn’t hurry up, he might come back inside to find this argument (is this even an argument?) ensuing. “ _ As you’re trying to fix everything, you’re ruining everything at the same time, _ ” she squeaks. And then, in a much softer tone, she asks, “ _ what are you priorities? _ ”

He hesitates. There is an answer lingering on his tongue, but he bites it back. 

“ _ What we were, _ ” Mikasa begins hoarsely, in a desperate last-attempt at trying to discover the truth. “ _ Did you hate me then, too? _ ”

He stiffens. Momentarily, his green eyes dart away from her face. The silence that settles between them is heavy and daunting, and Mikasa is afraid it might just suffocate her.

But then, finally, he murmurs, “ _ who we were is who we were. But now, I am Eren Jeager, and I am free. _ ”

Free.

_ Free. _

_ Free free free. _

_ Freedom. _

She remembers his obsession with freedom as a child—he still is obsessed with it, maybe, but he doesn’t announce it as much anymore. Mikasa remembers the days in their cadet training when he’d talk all high and mighty about humanity reclaiming land beyond the walls and becoming free.

And then, she realizes it.

“ _ You aren’t free, _ ” she blurts.

She must have gotten the right answer, if the way he stiffens is any indication.

“ _ I’m- _ “ Eren tries to defend, but she cuts him off.

“ _ You are bound by your own burden at trying to pursue freedom, _ ” she murmurs, “ _ so much, in fact, you aren’t even free, yourself. _ ”

She exhales a breath of relief. Pounds of rocks seem to be lifted from her shoulders now that she’s made this revelation. 

“ _ Eren, _ ” she begins breathlessly. “ _ Are you… are you really there? _ ”

He doesn’t respond. Their eyes meet, again, and she sees a vulnerable boy—finally, after trying so hard to discover the truth, she can finally see past his distant mask and peer into the boy inside.

_ My Eren is still there, _ she thinks, this revelation bringing it with hope that blossoms to life abundantly in her chest.

“ _ Let’s go, _ ” he grunts, abruptly cutting their conversation short.

She decides to oblige without another word said. But then, as she walks up to the door to the infirmary, she quietly asks again, “ _ so,  _ did  _ you ever hate me, back then? _ ”

Eren sucks in a sharp breath but doesn’t answer, and Mikasa can only watch as the tips of his ears flush a bright red.

( _ Your ears always turn red when you’re trying to lie. _ )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End! :D
> 
> yeah, remember when I said that this story would have a bittersweet ending? I wasn't lying.
> 
> I'm not sure if I explicitly clarified this yet, so I'll say it now, but this story doesn't have a happy ending for a reason. I made this fanfic as a coping mechanism for my depression, and by it being a coping mechanism, I reflect the way I feel onto this. It is solemn, a bit hopeless, and full of despair, but that's just how I cope. I'm sorry if you were expecting a happy ending, but you should've read the tags haha  
> There are a plethora of happy stories for you to read anyway, so don't let this one ruin your mood too much :)
> 
> How _ever_ , if you did enjoy this in spite of it having resolved romantic tension, just... thank you :)

**Author's Note:**

> “ Let's fall in love for the night, And forget in the morning. ” -FINNEAS, Let’s Fall in Love for the Night 


End file.
